Another year is done. I'm tempted to be all cynical and say that it 2011 was a bust. However, it really wasn't. It was no banner year, but it was fine.

Professionally, it was crappy. It still kinda is.

Personally, it was crappy, but got better. What more can anyone hope for, anyway?

It feels a bit strange to be writing here again after several months. It's been so long since I treated this as a confessional. I used to write here religiously. Then I found Facebook and sort of... drifted. But sometimes one just needs a confessional that isn't read and commented by friends and acquaintances all. Some bots have found this blog, but overall, it's still pretty much a private one.

I've started keeping a journal long hand again. I think I need this. I need to breathe out into the world safely, privately.

It's another year... the last one, if we believe doomsayers. I'm not too afraid. If the world ends in 2012, then it ends. Otherwise, there will just be a lot less people in the world. I would hate to be one of those who dies, caught in some Hand of God catastrophe, it's true... but I will just have to be careful and ready for floods, earthquakes, etc.

My God I haven't even started with my life. My real life. The life I've envisioned for myself. I told J some time ago, that I am the person who picks up a displaced earthworm to put back into the earth. I did that once or twice. Just because I feel it isn't right for any living creature to die just because. Or to be neglected. I feel a large sense of duty towards what is right. Anyway, the point is, my mother is the earthworm. Many people have told me to just go. Just go and live. Away.

But that earthworm cannot survive like that.

And I am the person who puts it back into the earth.

It's just how I was wired.

Still, I keep thinking that when I am finally free from my filial obligation, I hope to God I am not too old to enjoy what is left.

What is to be left? I don't know. I know I will only live once, at least in this consciousness. Is it time for regrets? I have too many. But regret doesn't really have any place in life, does it? At the end of the world, I am just one of many. A life amidst all other life, human or not. My place is to survive. Happiness is not for this world, or so they say.

My life is crappy... I don't know if it will get better. But hope, as they say, is the thing with feathers.

J is in the province for her annual vacation home. I think it goes without saying that I miss her (but I say it anyway.)

Last week the student research exhibit I organized finally happened. Yes, I did organize it :D I'm quite proud of that. Students from all over came. We had some press coverage. I think I'm gonna be appearing on TV sometime, I don't know when. I hope someone uploads it coz I don't think I'll be able to catch it. Anyway, I'm so happy it's done.

I'm proud of myself for not going my usual route of self-sabotage. It went well, at least all of my parts of it. The other departments got their noses in there and did some palpak things, but everything I did went smoothly :D

Anyway, J's coming home tomorrow :D I miss her. I want her near me all the time.

"I Dreamed You"

You walked in the room
and time was standin' still
knew you were my destiny
by the way you made me feel
only you in my life
forever and today
you're everything I ever imagined
my love could be
you for me

Like the stars need the sky
and the river needs it's rain
like an eagle needs it's wings
and the fire needs it's flames
like the sun needs the day
and the night needs the moon
like the air that I breathe
that's how I...
dreamed of you
I dreamed you

It's hard to explain
but when you know you know
I was so amazed by you
you had me and: 'hello'
I need you in my heart
my body, mind and soul
it only took a moment to take my breath away
will u stay?

Like the stars need the sky
and the river needs it's rain
like an eagle needs it's wings
and the fire needs it's flames
like the sun needs the day
and the night needs the moon
like the air that I breathe
that's how I...
I dreamed of you (and I)

Our love can't be denied, no no
there's nothing I can do, nothing I can say
my heart always knew
that's how I dreamed of you

Stars needs sky
river needs rain
like an eagle needs it's wings
and the fire needs it's flames
like the sun needs the day, yeah
and the night needs the moon
like the air that I breathe
that's how I need you

Like the stars, sky
river and rain
like an eagle needs it's wings
and the fire needs it's flames
like the sun it needs the day
and the night needs the moon
like the air that I breathe
that's how I need you
like the air that I breathe
that's how I...
dreamed of you
I dreamed of you
yeah
yes I did
oh baby

Wow. The last time I posted here was nearly a year ago. Time flies. Facebook got better. It's all fine.

So what's been going on? Nothing much. I've found a new and strange dedication to work. Why? Because my co-workers are all cool and wonderful and the work itself is not rocket science. I get to subtly boss people around and I have the chance to change status quo. It can get heady, this gentle power. I like it.

J and I are working on fixing up a place for us to stay. Well, she'll be staying there and I'll be dropping by 7 days a week. I can't leave my mother - this much is a given.

This is my longest and last relationship, I believe. I'm just too tired for drama and she and I have never bored one another. She is comfortable in her skin and she never begrudges me the lengths I must go to for me to be the same. I look at her and I see home, family, forever. It's scary at times. I scare myself because I'm sure my mind will turn itself inside out just to sabotage this. It's what I do. Or what I did. I hope it's how past tense.

She and I. She and I just click. We talk without speaking. We leave spaces in between us that fill with quiet acceptance. It's just... wonderful, really. See now I have a ginormous grin.

I'm happy. Who would have thought it possible??

Oh Justine, I'm kinda obsessed with you and your creamy skin :)