free fallin

2011-12-31T20:10:00.002+08:00

Another year is done. I'm tempted to be all cynical and say that it 2011 was a bust. However, it really wasn't. It was no banner year, but it was fine.

Professionally, it was crappy. It still kinda is.

Personally, it was crappy, but got better. What more can anyone hope for, anyway?

It feels a bit strange to be writing here again after several months. It's been so long since I treated this as a confessional. I used to write here religiously. Then I found Facebook and sort of... drifted. But sometimes one just needs a confessional that isn't read and commented by friends and acquaintances all. Some bots have found this blog, but overall, it's still pretty much a private one.

I've started keeping a journal long hand again. I think I need this. I need to breathe out into the world safely, privately.

It's another year... the last one, if we believe doomsayers. I'm not too afraid. If the world ends in 2012, then it ends. Otherwise, there will just be a lot less people in the world. I would hate to be one of those who dies, caught in some Hand of God catastrophe, it's true... but I will just have to be careful and ready for floods, earthquakes, etc.

My God I haven't even started with my life. My real life. The life I've envisioned for myself. I told J some time ago, that I am the person who picks up a displaced earthworm to put back into the earth. I did that once or twice. Just because I feel it isn't right for any living creature to die just because. Or to be neglected. I feel a large sense of duty towards what is right. Anyway, the point is, my mother is the earthworm. Many people have told me to just go. Just go and live. Away.

But that earthworm cannot survive like that.

And I am the person who puts it back into the earth.

It's just how I was wired.

Still, I keep thinking that when I am finally free from my filial obligation, I hope to God I am not too old to enjoy what is left.

What is to be left? I don't know. I know I will only live once, at least in this consciousness. Is it time for regrets? I have too many. But regret doesn't really have any place in life, does it? At the end of the world, I am just one of many. A life amidst all other life, human or not. My place is to survive. Happiness is not for this world, or so they say.

My life is crappy... I don't know if it will get better. But hope, as they say, is the thing with feathers.

2011-04-17T20:11:00.002+08:00

J is in the province for her annual vacation home. I think it goes without saying that I miss her (but I say it anyway.)

Last week the student research exhibit I organized finally happened. Yes, I did organize it :D I'm quite proud of that. Students from all over came. We had some press coverage. I think I'm gonna be appearing on TV sometime, I don't know when. I hope someone uploads it coz I don't think I'll be able to catch it. Anyway, I'm so happy it's done.

I'm proud of myself for not going my usual route of self-sabotage. It went well, at least all of my parts of it. The other departments got their noses in there and did some palpak things, but everything I did went smoothly :D

Anyway, J's coming home tomorrow :D I miss her. I want her near me all the time.

2011-03-26T20:31:00.001+08:00

"I Dreamed You"

You walked in the room
and time was standin' still
knew you were my destiny
by the way you made me feel
only you in my life
forever and today
you're everything I ever imagined
my love could be
you for me

Like the stars need the sky
and the river needs it's rain
like an eagle needs it's wings
and the fire needs it's flames
like the sun needs the day
and the night needs the moon
like the air that I breathe
that's how I...
dreamed of you
I dreamed you

It's hard to explain
but when you know you know
I was so amazed by you
you had me and: 'hello'
I need you in my heart
my body, mind and soul
it only took a moment to take my breath away
will u stay?

Like the stars need the sky
and the river needs it's rain
like an eagle needs it's wings
and the fire needs it's flames
like the sun needs the day
and the night needs the moon
like the air that I breathe
that's how I...
I dreamed of you (and I)

Our love can't be denied, no no
there's nothing I can do, nothing I can say
my heart always knew
that's how I dreamed of you

Stars needs sky
river needs rain
like an eagle needs it's wings
and the fire needs it's flames
like the sun needs the day, yeah
and the night needs the moon
like the air that I breathe
that's how I need you

Like the stars, sky
river and rain
like an eagle needs it's wings
and the fire needs it's flames
like the sun it needs the day
and the night needs the moon
like the air that I breathe
that's how I need you
like the air that I breathe
that's how I...
dreamed of you
I dreamed of you
yeah
yes I did
oh baby

2011-03-20T18:56:00.002+08:00

Wow. The last time I posted here was nearly a year ago. Time flies. Facebook got better. It's all fine.

So what's been going on? Nothing much. I've found a new and strange dedication to work. Why? Because my co-workers are all cool and wonderful and the work itself is not rocket science. I get to subtly boss people around and I have the chance to change status quo. It can get heady, this gentle power. I like it.

J and I are working on fixing up a place for us to stay. Well, she'll be staying there and I'll be dropping by 7 days a week. I can't leave my mother - this much is a given.

This is my longest and last relationship, I believe. I'm just too tired for drama and she and I have never bored one another. She is comfortable in her skin and she never begrudges me the lengths I must go to for me to be the same. I look at her and I see home, family, forever. It's scary at times. I scare myself because I'm sure my mind will turn itself inside out just to sabotage this. It's what I do. Or what I did. I hope it's how past tense.

She and I. She and I just click. We talk without speaking. We leave spaces in between us that fill with quiet acceptance. It's just... wonderful, really. See now I have a ginormous grin.

I'm happy. Who would have thought it possible??

2010-05-05T23:38:00.001+08:00

Oh Justine, I'm kinda obsessed with you and your creamy skin :)

2010-04-08T22:40:00.001+08:00

Justine Joli's a cutie too.

2010-04-01T20:47:00.000+08:00

I'm in love with Nina Hartley. So there.

2010-03-04T21:52:00.003+08:00

what must one do when confronted with dumb asses? Tomorrow I meet with several. My life is weirder than even I can ever imagine. It's out of control, assuming it ever was IN my control. I'm thinking, no, it never was. Hm now i need to make sense of what I'm offered.
I think i'll not remember this post in the morning. I'm losing brain cells with impunity.,

2010-02-28T19:06:00.002+08:00

I'm kind of obsessed about this urban fantasy series called The Mercy Thompson series by author Patricia Briggs. When I got the ebook (don't ask how) I thought at first it was a romance, you know, the light fluffy crap that impossibly gets restocked on bookstore shelves. I wasn't sure why I decided to read it. Maybe I was looking for stories featuring werewolves, vampires, and fae. I was prepared to delete it from my phone memory (as I read my ebooks in text format on QReader, a fantastic ebook reader for Symbian phones) as soon as I read a page or so, just to confirm that it was crap. However, the first few lines never let me go.

It's about a "walker" named Mercedes Thompson who could shape-shift into a coyote whenever she felt like it. The mythology of fantastic creatures in this book is jaw-dropping. There are weres, or werewolves (whole packs!), vampires, and fae folk. I don't even know how to call the genre.... urban fantasy, the forums say. Well, sure, it is high fantasy and lovely at that. There's action, suspense, humor, and some romance. Not a lot. Which is wonderful for me, whose stomach turns at heterosexual romances. Ick.

Well, Mercy does get together with an Alpha were named Adam but it's not gratuitously described, thus the contents of my stomach stayed put. In fact, the love story is so buried under all the other plot points that they haven't even so much as stared lovingly into each other's eyes at the midway point in the novel. I lvoed it!

Why did I love the series so much? Well, because Mercy is kick-ass great! She's a coyote among wolves, unwelcome and not part of the pack. She's a lesser magical creature among beings of great power. And she holds her own. She finds herself in overwhelming situations and, like the wily coyote, finds her way out. She's like the Trickster in old Native American tales. Of course, the Trickster is a fox, but a coyote is close enough.

The series starts with Moon Called, followed by Blood Bound, then Iron Kissed, and then Bone Crossed. The author, Briggs, has said that there will be 7 in the series. I'm awaiting with baited breath for the next book.

Incidentally, Powerbooks carries two of her books, from another series called Aplha and Omega. It's not my cup of tea. Same mythological but modern world, but with less fascinating characters. It's a yawn.

Read read read, if you can find them, the Mercy Thompson series books. If you can't find them, hit me up. :D

2010-02-18T14:41:00.001+08:00

Ampoota. People posting on the gov.ph site are ridiculous idiots. So if you want a laugh laced with a sneer, go read some of the threads there, especially in their "education" thread.

Yan ang totoo sa Pinoy, no? Mayayabang, kahit hindi naman dapat ipag-yabang. Bakit, ano ang dapat ipag-yabang sa pagiging istudyante ng "most expensive universities in the Philippines"? Para masabi na may pera ka? Para maka-compensate sa kakulangan sa talino? Sabagay, sa Pinoy, hindi kailangan matalino o magaling basta may pera.

At basahin niyo! Basahin niyo mga kaibigan. Dadapo talaga sa isipan mo ang kawawang katotohanan na puro BOBO ang Pinoy. Ni hindi makapag-sulat ng hindi txtspeak o kaya grammar na galing sa moon. At pati yun, pinagyayabang! Committing atrocious grammar mistakes while defending the quality of education they received from their third rate university. Pathetic.

Hay.

2010-02-18T14:37:00.000+08:00

Ampoota. People posting on the gov.ph site: http://forums.gov.ph/default.asp are ridiculous idiots. So if you want a laugh laced with a sneer, go read some of the threads there, especially in their "education" thread.

Yan ang totoo sa Pinoy, no? Mayayabang, kahit hindi naman dapat ipag-yabang. Bakit, ano ang dapat ipag-yabang sa pagiging istudyante ng "most expensive universities in the Philippines"? Para masabi na may pera ka? Para maka-compensate sa kakulangan sa talino? Sabagay, sa Pinoy, hindi kailangan matalino o magaling basta may pera.

At basahin niyo! Basahin niyo mga kaibigan. Dadapo talaga sa isipan mo ang kawawang katotohanan na puro BOBO ang Pinoy. Ni hindi makapag-sulat ng hindi txtspeak o kaya grammar na galing sa moon. At pati yun, pinagyayabang! Committing atrocious grammar mistakes while defending the quality of education they received from their third rate university. Pathetic.

Hay.

2009-12-26T19:16:00.002+08:00

I really enjoy walking all around my city, exploring streets I've never been to before, and revisiting ones I've grown up on. I walked around San Juan this afternoon, walking all around the area of Baranggay Batis, near where our water store is. I was trying to find the creek that always overflows, flooding the streets every time there's a typhoon. I didn't find it, but I did explore a large area that I haven't been to before.

So there I was, in my faded red shorts and ACC shirt, peering as unobtrusively as I can into houses and windows, dodging dog poop and trash on the street, and enjoying the slight chill in the air. There were a lot of other people walking, mostly children playing on the street or walking with their parents from an afternoon of pamamasko in ninong and ninang's house. I narrowly escaped from an exploding firecracker. I carefully skirted an open manhole. I bent my head past several taong grasa's. It was interesting and fun.

As I was walking, I was silently congratulating myself for having no thoughts. Unlike in Christmases past, I was blissfully thought-free. Walking always sedates me. And when angry ugly thoughts are running rampant in my head, I need to physically walk. Every crack on the sidewalk I avoid is a minor success and I sometimes need minor successes. But this afternoon, I walked with a clear head and a healthy body.

It's easy to be melancholy at Christmas. Expectations are never met and disappointments abound. Alienation is an easy thing to accomplish.

*****

J has been in the province for about a week. Her absence is a physical ache. I distract myself from wishing what could not be. It doesn't help that there is near-zero reception where she is. She has not texted me in a couple of days. I feel like a puppet with its strings cut off. I realize I hinge so much on her presence, physical and psychic. I need her beside me, if only in my imagination. I need her stability, her pragmatism, her concern, her humor. I miss her desperately.

Life is good. Life is what it is. Absence, loss, faithlessness, hope. Love, hunger. Need, sweet love.

But good God get her home soon!

2009-12-04T20:57:00.002+08:00

I'm loath to admit that I'm worried about my boss at work. She's found a lump in her throat and had it checked out. It's a cystic mass. She's waiting for the biopsy result. I feel sad and unsettled. I've come to appreciate and admire her. I'm scared for her. And she is so tough, at least she acts like it. :(

Another reason I'm off-center is because I'm feeling a bit guilty about thinking about resigning, when she's clearly assaulted by this health scare. God, if it turns out to be cancer, I just might end up staying at work for another year. :(

Life life life. My state right now is a combination of sadness, disappointment, frustration and lethargy. Not yet fatal.

2009-11-29T22:03:00.002+08:00

I'm writing something where people are commenting and I've brought the story where it's awful and conflicted. I've lost some readership but I expected that. Now I don't know where to continue or how. Stories affect people. I know that intimately. So now I am wondering how I want to affect people.

I want them to think. I want them to reflect. I want them to heal. I want them to grow. My characters. My readers. Me.

Still thinking about how.

2009-11-03T15:36:00.001+08:00

I saw This Is It over the long weekend. The documentary-style movie depressed me. The inevitable take-away was that Michael Jackson should not have died yet.Even as a non-fan, I couldn't escape the utter feeling of disgust that a musical genius such as him died before he was able to do that last concert tour. It was going to be a mind-blowing spectacle. Sadly, Jackson died much too early.

Super galing pa pala niya. He was no washed-up star. He had presence, intuition, and the talent to spare. Well, all that's wasted now that he's dead.

So sad.

2009-10-28T20:56:00.002+08:00

Holy fuck. Drunk on apple vodka. I tried The Bar, saw it on the grocery shelf and thought, sige nga, tingnan natin how such cheap vodka would taste. It tastes convincingly yummy. apple nga!

Not really stressed. Just tense, I guess. Things to do for work. Have to give training next week on doing research. Moi? Doing research? teachning others? am I insane?! Well just need to encourage them. Have lots of intersting ideas. In my mind, I'm revolutionizing the professional life of some poor unfortuante souls. Still messianic, you betcha!

J and I got into a rough rough patch. But now we're better. Stupid me forgot our 2nd year anniversary. Even fought with her. Poor woman must be regretting her getting involved with me. But she's frikkin stuck with me now. Haha. Well, I do love her despite all our arguments and disagreements. I just called her mayabang. Super na-hurt. What's so fucking bad about being mayabang? I'm mayabang and I do okay. Right?

But like I said, we're good now. I lvoe er. I think I'll die inside and out without her. She takes care of me, nurtures me, and makes me feel pretty damn good. Just that. i could die just being with her. Sometimes she bugs the hell out of me. sometimes she irritates me like nothing else. But she's real and she's so damn cute. She's quirky beyond measure. If you only knew her quirks. We're both crazy, I suppose. I think.

Well, I'm just moody and messed up most of the time. She just has to put up with me some more.

sleepy. drunk. thinking of training. loving my crazy fucked up life. right now at least.

bye!

2009-10-25T23:05:00.002+08:00

I went to a cousin's wedding at San Agustin Church in Intramuros. My first time in a church in nearly a year. If the office didn't celebrate first Friday mass, it would have been my first time hearing mass in about the same period. Well, I didn't miss much. Mass was the same as it always is. Boring, proselytizing, patronizing, annoying. The damn priest even said homily in fookien. How hokey is that?

Then to the reception at Makati Shang. Very nice hotel. Beautiful ballroom. Perfect for any occasion. Hehe. But damn everything looked so expensive. Every little detail screamed "I cost an arm and a leg!" I heard the bride's dress alone cost more than 100 thou. Dalawa pa yun. So about a quarter of a million for just two gowns. Ngek, why spend so much for a wedding? That's something I'd never understand.

The couple were sweet. The prenup videos were sweet. Everything was sweet, really. If I were the type to enjoy weddings of nearly strangers, I'd have enjoyed myself very much. However, as I didn't really know the couple, aside from being related to one of them, I was bored out of my mind. I did enjoy the wedding singer. Beautiful voice. Requisite Chinese love songs. And one nicely done Carpenters cover.

The company was barf-worthy. Pa-sosyal matrons and giggly back-slapping old dudes. Cousins I used to play with but now couldn't care less about. People, really, that I could die not ever seeing again.

I remember a wedding I really enjoyed. For a friend. Now that was a lovely affair. I was among friends. It is a wonderful experience seeing someone you honestly care about being happy and in love. Oh, make that two. I've attended two weddings of two friends. Both were absolutely inspirational. Just because I cared for the brides.

Weddings should be emotional, I think. I think no one should be invited to a wedding that they care nothing about. It just puts a damper on everything and everyone.

Blah. It's nearly midnight. Have to work tomorrow. Better sleep. Goodnight all!

2009-10-24T23:57:00.000+08:00

You say you heard every word, but I watched you turn away
Your eyes grew colder than winter
"Love is so intrusive," I thought I heard you say
And laugh so unconvincingly

Famous last words, "I'm not ready yet"
"I won't be gone a minute"

Narrow is the road and too high a price to pay
When loneliness is such a sanctuary
Empty are the musings and wasted are the days
When you say you were only waiting

And famous last words, "I'm not ready yet"
"I won't be gone a minute" and I won't forget
Famous last words
If tomorrow never comes, will I ever know that I was in love?

I was in love
In love

You say you heard every word, I watched you turn away
You were only waiting

- Famous Last Words, Jars of Clay

2009-10-23T21:17:00.003+08:00

Down in the depths of a darkness I've not visited in a while. Familiar, heavy.

How much is love, love, when pride can mess it up? I figure, not a lot.

I hate the sinking feeling that I was right all along. Back to doing a countdown.

Oh and on a side note, I hate people in love.

2009-10-15T18:36:00.002+08:00

This has been an extremely exciting week! First of, I started writing again, continuing a story I started a loooong time ago, in part to exorcise some demons. I posted it somewhere where it received good feedback. I discontinued that story due to certain demons being too demanding of my time and mental energy. Well, this week I resumed writing and posting it. Wow the response was gratifying. I feel so happy and somewhat fulfilled. Finally, an outlet for all my creative energy. I feel excited and giddy and crazy. :D

Also, I'm presenting a paper in a conference in UP about ICT in education. I'll be talking about elearning. It's not too big a deal. Parallel sessions, 30 mins lang. I think the participants will find it exciting. I hope so! I'm just excited to be mingling with other members of the academe. Today was the first day and although I heard some negative feedback about the other presenters (boring, paper too simple, etc. etc.), I found the sessions I attended to be interesting and informative. I learned about a new research methodology called Metaphors. I'll have to research about that more. Baka naman imbento... Hehehe.

What else? Wala na. Went to Tagaytay with some faculty, my friends from work. Late night impulse given into. We drove about an hour at midnight, just to have Starbucks at Tagaytay. Haha. It was fun. The green tea frappe I had caused my lactose intolerance to flare up, of course. But by that time, I was comfortably home. Sa uulitin!

Wala na. Yun lang :D

2009-10-05T11:58:00.001+08:00

My powers for bullshitting have reached their maximum tolerable level. I'm close to overloading!!!!

God DAMN.

2009-09-30T21:50:00.001+08:00

Sayang
Ngayon lang tayo nagkatagpo,
Ngayon na rin magkakalayo;
Bakit kaya
Minsa'y sadyang kay damot ng tadhana?
O sayang

Sana'y nakilala na kita
Noong ako ay malaya pa;
Katulad mo,
Malayang nasusunod ang puso

Chorus:

Sana'y maaaring ibalik ang kahapon,
At duo'y magisnan na ang pag-ibig mo;
Sa dalangin ay hinihiling kong
Lumakad sanang pabalik ang panahon (oh--)

Sana'y maaaring ibalik ang kahapon
At iguhit na muli ang nakaraan;
Sana'y kaya kong baguhing lahat
Sa nakalipas nating kasaysayan,
O sayang

Sayang
Huling dumating ka sa buhay ko
Ang pag-ibig na katulad mo;
Bakit kaya,
Minsa'y sadyang kay damot ng tadhana?

O sayang,
Pagsuyong ngayon lang dumating,
Hindi na maaaring angkinin,
Ng tulad kong
Wala nang kalayaan pang umibig

Sana'y maaaring ibalik ang kahapon,
At duo'y magisnan na ang pag-ibig mo;
Sa dalangin ay hinihiling kong
Lumakad sanang pabalik ang panahon (oh--)

Sana'y maaaring ibalik ang kahapon
At iguhit na muli ang nakaraan;
Sana'y kaya kong baguhing lahat
Sa nakalipas nating kasaysayan,
Talagang sayang,
O sayang.

Sayang.

~ Sayang, Claire dela Fuente

just because.

2009-09-30T19:56:00.001+08:00

All the lights on our 2nd floor is out due to a grounded electrical wire somewhere. So I'm typing this in the dark. I don't really have anything to say, but felt the obligation to post. Hmmm. Yun lang muna.

2009-09-15T19:24:00.003+08:00

I'm sick as a dog from drinking 3 of those small Yakult bottles. I didn't know Yakult had milk. Tsk tsk.

OMG talking to Emily sa facebook. ano ba.

2009-09-13T18:49:00.001+08:00

I can't light no more of your darkness
All my pictures seem to fade to black and white
I'm growing tired and time stands still before me
Frozen here on the ladder of my life
Too late to save myself from falling
I took a chance and changed your way of life
But you misread my meaning when I met you
Closed the door and left me blinded by the light
Don't let the sun go down on me
Although I search myself, it's always someone else I see
I'd just allow a fragment of your life to wander free
But losing everything is like the sun going down on me
I can't find, oh the right romantic line
But see me once and see the way I feel
Don't discard me just because you think I mean you harm
But these cuts I have they need love to help them heal

~ Elton John, Don't let the sun go down on me

I started a story. Again. I'm hoping this one gets finished. :P

2009-09-13T18:05:00.002+08:00

Nothing much to report. J and I are in a small tiff. Small ba kamo? Haha. Well it pisses me off so much that she won't apologize. Look, I know I made a mistake. I apologized. She did too. And she REFUSES to apologize kasi hindi daw niya kasalanan. Hmph.

She knows I hate it when she doesn't text back when I text her. She knows it absolutely infuriates me. And what does she do??? She doesn't text me for a whole day.

Hay. Well that's life.

2009-09-07T18:22:00.002+08:00

Whoa! Taylor Swift FTW! Hahaha.

Half-drunk on Gilbey's with the green tea drink 7% alcohol. Mababa mehn. Ni hindi ako natalo sa java game sa cellphone. Grabe bakit super alert pa rin ako.

Oh I have to send a research abstract to a conference so we can present. Well I will present. Yeah. Parang big deal. Fuck. Well I suppose it is. Sa UP eh. Small town girl goes to the big city. Parang ganon ang drama.

Woohoo. My stupid new-found personality type has become a wonderful scapegoat for certain ideas and inclinations that would never have seen the light of day back when I was goody-goody IS-something-or-other. Waah I miss being a goody-goody. Now I'm EVEEEEL. Right. Only in my fantasies.

Anyway, ano ba. Went biking with J in QC circle. Nice. Saya. Super kakapagod. We got rained on properly. Had lunch of tocilog and bachoy there, masarap naman.

Jesus Christ. I'm anxious coz work resumes tomorrow and I haven't emailed the research abstract. One of these days I'm gonna make a BIG mistake at work and I'll be... relieved? Ha!

Ewan ko. Had a little breakdown in J's arms last night. Stress caught up with me. My fucking blood pressure's up to 140/90 or thereabouts. Bad Bad Bad. I love making myself miserable. I don't know what the fuck's wrong with my head. Jesus Christ I have super maladaptive coping strategies. Like super.

Anyway my niece and her parents are back from Boracay. Ang cute-cute. I love her best. Shhhh don't tell anyone. I love her to pieces! She has an imaginary friend named Distas. Hahahaha. I had an imaginary friend way back when I was a kid. Never had any name. Just me. I was my own friend. Wow how transpersonal. Even back then I figured myself to be a friend to the friendless. Hehe. Hehe.

Tangina. Kailan kaya ako matututo makuntento sa kung ano ang meron sa buhay ko? Kailan ako titigil maghanap ng hindi naman nararapat? Ewan ko rin eh. Pag namatay na siguro ako. Kasi tipsy ako. Hehe. O pero okay pa ang typing skilz. Syempre, di nga ako natalo sa cellphone game. Meaning, reflexes and other things that they say goes when tipsy are still around, mocking frustrating angry tired so so tired.

"This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it's too late for you and your white horse, to come around"

AYOS!

2009-09-02T20:44:00.002+08:00

I took the Keirsey Temperament Sorter this afternoon. It was with great surprise and sadness that I discovered I am now an ISTP. I don't wanna be an ISTP!!! It's a crappy type! Well, it's really far from my Ideal Self. I used to be my Ideal Self, or as close as possible. I was an INFP! Before that, I was a robot INTJ.

Hay. Growth, change, life.

2009-08-24T20:23:00.003+08:00

I spent the afternoon browsing and reading about palliative care in different countries. Apparently, Japan and India are excruciating countries to die of cancer, as powerful painkillers such as morphine are prescribed and administered sparingly because doctors believe these can actually hasten death. I learned that morphine in India is incredibly cheap but is sold more in international markets, chiefly because of the widespread stigma there of morphine addiction. Interesting, no? Dying cancer patients would actually throw themselves in front of trucks to escape the pain. Or hang themselves. Mostly they are the aged and poor who can't afford to go to the West for treatment of their pain.

Anyway, it's a morbid topic to be reading for the whole afternoon. My mood is somber now, sad and resigned. Sometimes to care is to be masochistic. But I guess it's true that we are all connected. In some bizarre but understandable way, the suffering of the poor dying in India makes me think of the future deaths of my family, my friends, myself. I don't know if the Philippines even has palliative care. Or if we did, if it is as merciful as the idealistic practices in the US. I wish it were.

I'm not afraid to die for myself. I guess I'm afraid of dying in pain. Cancer. It scares the hell out of me. My paternal grandmother died of ovarian cancer. Cancer isn't the only disease I worry about. My paternal grandfather died of a stroke. My father died of heart disease.

My mother is adopted so I can't really trace her genes. As of now she's healthy, except for hypertension and mild arthritis in her hands.

But I know that nature and nurture mediate each other. If only I could live a healthy lifestyle, I could worry less about genetic predispositions. But now that I'm living a largely sedentary life, I worry more than ever. I have this notion that I would not grow old.

In truth I would prefer to die peacefully and without pain. I would like to have arranged all my affairs beforehand. I would have gotten a special power of attorney for J, arranged my assets to pass onto her, said my goodbyes, etc. etc. But chances are good that I would die suddenly - a heart attack, a vehicular accident, a stroke, suddenly neglecting to wake up from sleep...

When this happens, my one regret would be that all the love I have in my heart for my family and my friends would go unexpressed. My family would know, no problem. My friends would understand, I hope.

My greatest fear is what would become of J. How would she cope? How would she recover? How would she grieve? I cannot even think about it. We spend so much of our time together now. She has few friends; her family is far away. I cannot die and leave her alone with no one to turn to for comfort.

But still. I have a deadly curiosity. A desire to see what would happen. A misguided adventurous inkling.

What happens if I were to die?

What happens if I were to die tonight?

No not tonight. Not for a good long while. I need to start visualizing a long future of growing old and feeble. I need to imagine a different ending. This story has a twist.

I insist.

2009-08-13T19:12:00.002+08:00

Ah it feels nice to play hooky. I stayed home from work today because I was feeling a general malaise about my whole body. Next week I'll probably be able to escape again, some random day... when they least expect it! Bwahaha.

I'm bored.

2009-08-06T17:16:00.000+08:00

US psychologists repudiate gay-to-straight therapy
(philstar.com) Updated August 06, 2009 08:37 AM

NEW YORK (AP) -- The American Psychological Association declared Wednesday that mental health professionals should not tell gay clients they can become straight through therapy or other treatments.

In a resolution adopted by the APA's governing council, and in an accompanying report, the association issued its most comprehensive repudiation of "reparative therapy" — a concept espoused by a small but persistent group of therapists, often allied with religious conservatives, who maintain gays can change.

No solid evidence exists that such change is likely, says the resolution, adopted by a 125-4 vote. The APA said some research suggests that efforts to produce change could be harmful, inducing depression and suicidal tendencies.

Instead of seeking such change, the APA urged therapists to consider multiple options — that could range from celibacy to switching churches — for helping clients live spiritually rewarding lives in instances where their sexual orientation and religious faith conflict.

The APA had criticized reparative therapy in the past, but a six-member task force added weight to this position by examining 83 studies on sexual orientation change conducted since 1960. Its report was endorsed by the APA's governing council in Toronto, where the 150,000-member association's annual meeting is being held this weekend.

The report breaks new ground in its detailed and nuanced assessment of how therapists should deal with gay clients struggling to remain loyal to a religious faith that disapproves of homosexuality.

Judith Glassgold, a Highland Park, New Jersey, psychologist who chaired the task force, said she hoped the document could help calm the polarized debate between religious conservatives who believe in the possibility of changing sexual orientation and the many mental health professionals who reject that option.

"Both sides have to educate themselves better," Glassgold said in an interview. "The religious psychotherapists have to open up their eyes to the potential positive aspects of being gay or lesbian. Secular therapists have to recognize that some people will choose their faith over their sexuality."

In dealing with gay clients from conservative faiths, says the report, therapists should be "very cautious" about suggesting treatments aimed at altering their same-sex attractions.

"Practitioners can assist clients through therapies that do not attempt to change sexual orientation, but rather involve acceptance, support and identity exploration and development without imposing a specific identity outcome," the report says.

"We have to challenge people to be creative," said Glassgold.

She suggested that devout clients could focus on overarching aspects of religion such as hope and forgiveness to transcend negative beliefs about homosexuality, and either remain part of their original faith within its limits — for example, by embracing celibacy — or find a faith that welcomes gays.

"There's no evidence to say that change therapies work, but these vulnerable people are tempted to try them, and when they don't work, they feel doubly terrified," Glassgold said. "You should be honest with people and say, 'This is not likely to change your sexual orientation, but we can help explore what options you have.'"

One of the largest organizations promoting the possibility of changing sexual orientation is Exodus International, a network of ministries whose core message is "Freedom from homosexuality through the power of Jesus Christ."

Its president, Alan Chambers, describes himself as someone who "overcame unwanted same-sex attraction." He and other evangelicals met with APA representatives after the task force formed in 2007, and he expressed satisfaction with parts of the report that emerged.

"It's a positive step — simply respecting someone's faith is a huge leap in the right direction," Chambers said. "But I'd go further. Don't deny the possibility that someone's feelings might change."

An evangelical psychologist, Mark Yarhouse of Regent University, praised the APA report for urging a creative approach to gay clients' religious beliefs but — like Chambers — disagreed with its skepticism about changing sexual orientation.

Yarhouse and a colleague, Professor Stanton Jones of Wheaton College, will be releasing findings at the APA meeting Friday from their six-year study of people who went through Exodus programs. More than half of 61 subjects either converted to heterosexuality or "disidentified" with homosexuality while embracing chastity, their study said.

To Jones and Yarhouse, their findings prove change is possible for some people, and on average the attempt to change will not be harmful.

The APA task force took as a starting point the belief that homosexuality is a normal variant of human sexuality, not a disorder, and that it nonetheless remains stigmatized in ways that can have negative consequences.

The report said the subgroup of gays interested in changing their sexual orientation has evolved over the decades and now is comprised mostly of well-educated white men whose religion is an important part of their lives and who participate in conservative faiths that frown on homosexuality.

"Religious faith and psychology do not have to be seen as being opposed to each other," the report says, endorsing approaches "that integrate concepts from the psychology of religion and the modern psychology of sexual orientation."

Perry Halkitis, a New York University psychologist who chairs the APA committee dealing with gay and lesbian issues, praised the report for its balance.

"Anyone who makes decisions based on good science will be satisfied," he said. "As a clinician, you have to deal with the whole person, and for some people, faith is a very important aspect of who they are."

The report also addressed the issue of whether adolescents should be subjected to therapy aimed at altering their sexual orientation. Any such approach should "maximize self-determination" and be undertaken only with the youth's consent, the report said.

Wayne Besen, a gay-rights activist who has sought to discredit the so-called "ex-gay" movement, welcomed the APA findings.

"Ex-gay therapy is a profound travesty that has led to pointless tragedies, and we are pleased that the APA has addressed this psychological scourge," Besen said.

2009-08-06T11:52:00.002+08:00

I was looking through my blog archives, trying to find the title of this film in my mind that I previously wrote about. As I scanned and read my old entries, I felt a curious sensation of disconnect. My bewildered mind was musing, "This was me? Once upon a time, a more complicated time surely, this was me?" Color me shocked!

Sobra naman pala ako noon. Ako pa ba iyon? Parang hindi na. Kasi sa wakas nagawa ko ring patahimikin ang magulo kong pag-iisip.

Wow I now truly believe that what one envisions will come true. Once upon a time, I envisioned myself calm, at peace, confident, adult, stable, etc. etc.

Somehow someway, I AM!

Come one, Life, kiss me!

2009-07-31T08:27:00.002+08:00

Nearly almost done with my thesis' (hopefully) final incarnation. Unfortunately, I am stuck on the Reflexivity part. I'm supposed to include a part on Personal Reflexivity and on Epistemological Reflexivity. Right now I'm pretty much bored out of my mind and sick of it. In fact, I'm really really sleepy.

Yesterday I finished an ebook of Twilight. I was rather surprised to find that the novel was steeped in sexual tension. Didn't expect that from a book marketed primarily towards young adults (well, prepubescent to adolescent kids, really). And it even had one mention of recreational cough medicine use. My, my, my. And written by a Mormon woman to boot. Interesting. But I did enjoy it. I found myself chuckling at Bella, wondering at Edward, and appreciating the other characters more than I thought I would. If I didn't enjoy it, would I be able to finish the whole novel in one day?

Right now I have the New Moon ebook onscreen. I'm still deciding whether to write my Reflexivity or to read New Moon. Bella is a cute character. Paired with the mental image of Kristin Stewart, she's drawing me away from my thesis. :)

I'd love to see Kristin Stewart as Joan Jett on the big screen. Syet, Joan Jett.

2009-07-28T09:08:00.000+08:00

So when given the chance to be gainfully employed abroad, do I take it?

I gave it a whole day's deliberation. I weighed the pros and cons. I imagined myself here and there and everywhere.

If I were to take it, I would be there by mid-August, earning much more than what I ever dreamed to earn. I would be among friends, or at least close acquaintances. I would have the opportunity to be in a foreign land with foreign (or not so foreign) people.

If I were to take it, I would be about an hour away from J all the time. And I would be doing a job that I swore I would not return to when I left it around 5 years ago. I would miss out on seeing my nieces and nephew grow up. I would not be able to take one jeepney ride to Divisoria or one bus ride to Quiapo. I would be all alone.

Do you think I took it?

Whatever it was that I chose, I did so with a clear mind and a light heart. :D

2009-07-24T20:19:00.000+08:00

I'm getting really annoyed at our helpers at home. I feel like going off on them just to see if they have even an ounce of sensitivity. They're loud, obnoxious, careless, disrespectful, etc. etc.

Just a little peace and quiet will really lift this damn cloud.

2009-07-20T09:40:00.002+08:00

Blogging at work through a proxy server :) Bad bad.

Last night J and I went to Eastwood to have dinner. Planned on going buffet at Something Fishy but J took one look at the dingy front door and we had to go look somewhere else. Ended up eating at Pizza Hut Bistro. Sabi ko nga sa kanya, nagpunta pa kaming Eastwood para kumain ng Pizza Hut. Hehe. She had the cream of corn soup and I had a new soup, tortilla taco something or other soup, as appetizer. Then we moved on to a regular Hawaiian pizza of which each of us had one slice. Then the pièce de résistance, the nacho salad, was brought out and I gorged myself on it. I couldn't eat another slice of pizza after that. I wished they had bottomless nacho chips with cheese dip or salsa dip. Like in Friday's. Friday's ba yun meron nun? O Chilli's? Sarap sarap.

Then we walked around the Eastwood Mall and saw their fountain show. It's like a miniature of the one in Bellagio Hotel in Las Vegas. Ang cute! Ang ganda na pala ng Eastwood ngayon. They really improved their mall to appeal to the Korean and puti foreigners that were all over the place. When the show ended, there was a smattering of applause :)

I think J and I will return to Eastwood. Maybe we'll try the newly opened "pepper steak" place or the Il Pirata, a cute pirate-themed restaurant with a mini-pirate ship replica out front. Sobrang aliw si J dun. Parang gusto niya ata tirahan. Hehe.

I wasn't able to eat pesto spaghetti in Fazoli's but it was a fun way to spend a lazy Sunday evening.

2009-07-18T21:07:00.002+08:00

Ah Christ. Barry Manilow and Barbra Streisand made me blue. Well, if you want the honest truth, it was a movie on Cinema One starring venerable Senator Jinggoy Estrada, Christopher De Leon, Maricel Laxa, and Dawn Zulueta. I was depressed by a goddamn Jinggoy movie, and not because it sucked. It was about how death affects friendship, or rather how death curtails friendship. I suppose the scenes in the hospital reminded me of my father's own "death scene".

It made me miss him. My father would have been chuckling at Jinggoy's ever expanding size. He would've laughed his rare laugh. He would have laughed at the utterances of expletives between the two male best friends. He would have enjoyed the movie, if only because it was unintentionally funny.

But the movie wasn't unintentionally funny. It was somewhat real. I remember that it was a movie dedicated to then-recently-deceased Rudy Fernandez. There was real sorrow there, and I guess the emotion bled onto the movie. My mother was crying at the end of it, if you can believe it. I cannot cry.

***

Right now my mother is with my youngest sister and her husband, watching the latest Harry Potter. It's 9 pm and I'm restless and lonely. And sad. Grieving, I suppose. For all losses that have visited me and people I know. Necessary, for growth I guess, but still difficult. What is missed most is the habit, the routine, the everyday face that comforts with its familiarity. I never thought I would ever wish to see my father's face, even just his face creased though in its usual frown. It's a comfort, you know. The basic comfort of a child viewing the face of her parent, knowing there is safety nearby.

I've dreamed of him of course. Short happy dreams that did not have a chance to come true, even if he were still alive. In those dreams we talked and I showed him I loved him. He was unafraid and so was I. My unconscious persists in healing.

***

I haven't been this sad in a while.

I watched a little lesbian-themed movie on youtube some weeks ago called April's Shower that I think, I think, sent me down this melancholy path. Now it's a delightful comedy. It made me laugh and giggle so much I was worried about myself. But the core of it. The core of it. Love denied and chances lost. Time wasted. Yearning. Love. Frailty. Humanity.

I do not want to be sad of human or frail. I do not want to yearn. I wish my grief were as subtle as its cause. I wish my yearning were for attainable things. Like to cherish the living.

***

2009-07-15T18:57:00.001+08:00

Finally I think I'll be able to get my degree :D Finally!!

Erm, what else?

I'm just glad :D

2009-07-04T21:43:00.002+08:00

Fergie dug her claws into my forearm last night and now I have two red puncture wounds near my wrist and one smaller one behind my ring finger, like a tiny mole. So now my arm looks like a vampire with tiny teeth bit me. So wonderful, these cats.

So E and I have been exchanging facebook messages. Brief ones exchanged between two professional adults. Haha. Professional adults. Yeah, coz I'm a child out of office hours. Anyway, I'm pretty much nonchalant about it. It's great coz I think I've finally gotten over my purely emotional reactions to the stimulus that is her. I'm darn proud of myself :)

Back to Fergie. She's been skittish these past few weeks. I don't really know why. I think Orange has been beating on her. But she's a slippery little thing so I guess Orange is just perpetually frustrated.

Jesus I haven't thought of anything in so long that I'm totally spaced out. Spaced out my brain is empty. IT'S FUCKIN WONDERFUL!

2009-06-30T09:58:00.002+08:00

Dear Bibber,

Yesterday morning you were pissed at me because I wanted you to sit up with me in front of the car and you wouldn't. I guess you feel that you're already a big girl so you had to squeeze yourself in the back seat with four other people. I'm sorry I lost my temper at you then, and for all the other times in the past. Sometimes I forget that you are only 2 years old, going on 3. Your A-i thinks that you would know and understand certain things like bad mornings and late nights.

I worry sometimes that your mind is too grown up while your heart is still a baby. There are just some things I want you to learn, or at least some things that I wish I could teach you. Me and your mommy had a talk this morning about how to raise you to be a well-adjusted person. I came up with some things I wish I would be successful in teaching you.

Firstly, I want you to understand that the world is full of ambiguity. Children are often taught that there is a right and there is a wrong. They are either good girls or bad girls. Someone is either your friend or she is not. Well dear, throughout your life you will learn that nothing is this clear or this simple. Life is not clear nor simple. I want to be able to impart to you the sense that although the world is not just left-right, right-wrong, good-bad -- it's the world we live in and we will adjust. If a person were to remain a believer in clarity and order, she would be sorely disappointed and disillusioned. Dearest, there is no certainty in life. And if I could teach you that and help you form a coping mechanism for this, I would consider myself a successful Godmother and aunt.

As early as now I can see you've inherited our family's obsession with being in control. You're my little OC girl. You like things in a certain order. You want structure and you want it your way. It's more that just stubbornness because I can see the anxiety in your eyes when things are not arranged the way you like them to be. Oh I understand! It amuses me at the same time it saddens me. I worry about the future when you will encounter proof of my first point (see above). There's nothing wrong with wanting control. Absolutely nothing. I just wish that along with this desire, you develop flexibility as well. That when things don't go your way, you can shrug it off and persevere.

My dear girl, I don't want to pass my expectations of the world onto you. You will learn about it in your own time. Somehow, someway, I'll help you understand and nurture in you the capacity for realistic growth, growth in mind, body, heart, and spirit, that matches what is real out there. I was raised with a certain expectation that the world is fun, kind, friendly, and all mine. Love, I want you to face the world with a realistic attitude.

If other kids ignore you in the playground, it just means that they want to play with someone else and that's okay. If other kids do things different from how you are used to, it just means that they like different stuff and again, that's okay. You are a sweet, friendly, beautiful child and I love you. Your mommy and daddy love you. Grammy, Sa-i and Sa-i-tiu love you. Aku loves you too. Chamcham, shoti and shobe Ummer love you too. That's just how it works sometimes, not everybody can be a friend. And that's okay.

Little B ganun talaga ang buhay. Hindi lahat makukuha mo, pero yung mga paghihirapan mo, mas malamang na makukuha mo.

Life's just the way it is and baby sana maturuan kita na iappreciate ito para sa kung ano talaga ito. Mahirap, masaya, hindi fair, pero maganda parin dahil puro challenge at opportunity. Ganun lang talaga.

I promise next time I will remember all of these things I just said so that when you do something I do not like, I will understand that you are 2 going on 3, and not me.

2009-06-28T20:38:00.002+08:00

Jesus H. Christ. E sent me a friend request on Facebook. She's finally gotten married. Good for her.

I think I'm unsettled by the past's reappearance in a wedding dress. Haha.

2009-06-21T17:02:00.000+08:00

I got a new laptop! :)

2009-06-15T14:06:00.000+08:00

I'm staying.

Decisions must be made, are made, with deference to reality. The decision to persevere and to continue down a course of seeming impossibility can be made only when the cobwebs woven by dreams have been brushed away. So yes, I replace the broom in its corner and peer down the corridor.

I see myself standing still while others stampede up and down the corridor.
I see myself hunker down.
I see myself gritting my teeth and squinting against the wind all their movement stirs up.
I see myself stay.

"Making your mark on the world is hard. If it were easy, everybody would do it. But it's not. It takes patience, it takes commitment, and it comes with plenty of failure along the way. The real test is not whether you avoid this failure, because you won't. it's whether you let it harden or shame you into inaction, or whether you learn from it; whether you choose to persevere." - Barack Obama

Words by a man who faces the barricade of others' dreams and expectations. The only obstacles in my own path are my own stubborn ideations. Finally, I push my way clear.

I suppose all it would take is a change of attitude, and an acceptance that all is not settled nor unchanging. Also, it takes a giving up. Compromise as I grow older and older.

I realize that it is not all bad. It is not all boredom nor all stress. It is not black and white. I may come to love it after a while. I just need to give it a chance to assimilate me.

So I'm staying.

"Effective leadership is putting first things first. Effective management is discipline, carrying it out." - Stephen Covey

2009-06-08T15:37:00.000+08:00

Lyrics | Itchyworms lyrics - Gusto Ko Lamang Sa Buhay lyrics

2009-06-01T15:30:00.000+08:00

Today I amused myself by stabbing an officemate in the side with a cellphone charger. I also read all about The Hills Have Eyes and its sequel, Dumplings, They Wait and Drag Me to Hell.

2009-05-27T14:25:00.001+08:00

This actually made me laugh out loud. In my current state of simmering rage, no trifling achievement.

You’re walking into the mall. You stop at the guard’s desk for the obligatory security check. You know and he knows and everybody knows that this is part-pantomime and part-placebo, because even supposing you had a bomb in your possession, it is highly unlikely that the guard would identify it as such (Maybe if it were a large round ball with a fuse sticking out like in Road Runner cartoons). Weren’t there bag inspections as usual the day that Glorietta 2 blew up?

So you’re doing your role in the pantomime when someone literally walks into you, treading on your jeans. It’s a woman so preoccupied with texting that she... Read the rest

2009-05-27T09:59:00.002+08:00

Oh, and I deleted my Twitter account because some students had found it. I also deactivated my Facebook coz I really couldn't care less what "other people in my network are doing right now".

So many unnecessary details making the picture nauseatingly complicated. I'd like to bring back some simplicity in my life. Limit my interactions to face-to-face ones.

2009-05-27T09:47:00.002+08:00

The human race is shit. I read somewhere this beautifully succinct phrasing, "the cesspool that is the human race". Perfect, don't you think?

But really, this isn't such a surprise.

2009-05-16T09:45:00.000+08:00

Closed off from love, I didn’t need the pain
Once or twice was enough, and it was all in vain
Time starts to pass
Before you know it you’re frozen, oh

But somethin’ happened for the very first time with you
My heart melted to the ground, found somethin’ true
And everyone’s looking ‘round
Thinkin’ I’m going crazy, oh

But I don’t care what they say, I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away, but they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein that I keep on closin’
You cut me open and I -

Keep bleedin’, keep, keep bleedin’ love
I keep bleedin’, I keep, keep bleedin’ love
Keep bleedin’, keep, keep bleedin’ love
You cut me open

Trying hard not to hear, but they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears, try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from fallin’, yeahyeah, oh

But nothin’s greater than the rush that comes with your embrace
And in this world of loneliness, I see your face
Yet everyone around me
Thinks that I’m goin’ crazy, baby, baby

But I don’t care what they say, I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away, but they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein that I keep on closin’
You cut me open and I -

Keep bleedin’, keep, keep bleedin’ love
I keep bleedin’, I keep, keep bleedin’ love
Keep bleedin’, keep, keep bleedin’ love
You cut me open

And it’s drainin’ all of me
Oh, they find it hard to believe
I’ll be wearing these scars
For everyone to see

But I don’t care what they say, I’m in love with you
They try to pull me away, but they don’t know the truth
My heart’s crippled by the vein that I keep on closin’
Oh, you cut me open and I -

Keep bleedin’, keep, keep bleedin’ love
I keep bleedin’, I keep, keep bleedin’ love
Keep bleedin’, keep, keep bleedin’ love (love)
Oh, you cut me open and I -

Keep bleedin’, keep, keep bleedin’ love
I keep bleedin’, I keep, (oh, keep bleedin’ love) keep bleedin’ love
Keep bleedin’, (I keep) keep, keep bleedin’ love
Oh, you cut me open and I -

Keep bleeding
Keep, keep bleeding love

2009-05-13T21:00:00.002+08:00

Stole this off lei

Rules: It's harder than it looks! Copy to your own note, erase my answers, enter yours, and tag 10 people. Use the first letter of your name to answer each of the following questions. They have to be real. . .nothing made up! If the person before you had the same first initial, you must use different answers. You cannot use any word twice and you can't use your name for the boy/girl name question. Don't google for answers!!! Have Fun!!

What is your name: Cristina
A four Letter Word: c**t (can't stop laughing, kinda drunk)
A boy's Name: Custolo (dating delivery boy and pahinante of my uncle)
A girl's Name: Crystal
An occupation: Cartographer
A color: Crimson
Something you wear: Cravat
A food: Coco jam
Something found in the bathroom: crumbs (don't ask if you don't have 2-year old nieces)
A place: Cubao
A reason for being late: car accident
Something you shout: crap!
A movie title: Can this be love? (thanks N)
Something you drink: Coke
A musical group: Chicago
An animal: cat (ket)
A street name: Chechame street
A type of car: chevrolet
A song title: cry me a river
A verb: come (much sanitized from the verb in my head)

2009-05-13T20:12:00.001+08:00

Again, long time no post. Just sending this out before I go to sleep.

Planning to change places of employment. Kinda tired of being ill-equipped to deal. Want to really teach, not be a pen-pushing drone.

Hello all!

2009-05-01T21:54:00.002+08:00

busy busy. running around like headless chicken. dragging other chickens into the crazy dance.

tomorrow will be in makati. might text jc (jc!) and ger (ger!) to see if they're in the area. have to put up a couple of tarp banners for this event i organized for work. kinda looking forward to the whole fucking thing getting OVER and DONE WITH. after this one, i'm seriously quitting.

seriously.

as serious as a headless chicken can be.

what should i do after i quit? maybe be a bum for around a year again. maybe find a new job, a teaching job so that other impressionable folks can be as misanthropic as me. although, maybe if I'm happier, i won't hate human beings so much.

speaaking of hate, i hate the idiot ugly fuckface woman in Treasury.

as in hate. i was fantasizing planting a bomb right under her snooty nose. i hate her face, want it to blow up into a million indistinguishable pieces. yeah.

2009-04-24T20:56:00.002+08:00

Twitter has been blocked in the office. YM too. So I've disabled Yoono. But funny thing about our firewall is, after a few weeks, I'll be able to access these sites again. Sporadic. Hehe.

I'm really going to resign this time. Maybe mid-May or early May. I'm sick to my stomach of the horrendous work hours. Or maybe I'm just lazy, but nonetheless, to stay any longer would be suicide.

I had a lot of things I wanted to write, but somehow now they're not that important.

Oh, but I have to announce that my sister has given birth again to a healthy (8 lbs.!) baby girl :D She's cuuuuute!!!!

2009-04-17T14:25:00.002+08:00

Christ, I haven't posted in this blog in AGES. I had stuff I should have posted, but I guess I was just lazy. I'm still lazy. Lazy. And unsure. Like meeting a face from the past after several years have passed. Awkward, unsure, and unmotivated.

Let's see. First up. I defended my thesis. I submitted the revised copies. Alas, one of my three panelists neglected to submit my grade before she went off on vacation. So I can't graduate, I haven't finished yet. It really makes me wonder how fucking long this thesis thing is gonna take me. I might just die before I get my masters. I'm alternating between extremely pissed and morosely resigned.

Anyway, I'm in the middle of building a cardboard house. I've made a prototype that taught me about sizing, proportioning, etc. Next step is building the actual beauty. Then I want to make one out of popsicle sticks.

Oh, and just this afternoon, I've been reading/ watching stuff I've been told would make me cry. Like Susan Boyles' video (her audition for Britain's Got Talent) and this article on a man and his aged dog.

I've also re-enabled Yoono, a Firefox add-on that allows me to have IM, Twitter, Facebook, among other banned applications/ websites, in the office. So my pc is slower at loading webpages, but I can YM (if I wanted to) and Twitter. Though I don't really tweet anything. Instead I just follow.

I'm going home at 3 this afternoon. I've been having a curious shortness of breath. So I'm going home to rest and veg out.

Baboosh!

2009-03-30T21:52:00.002+08:00

For the past week, I've been staying up til 1130-12 am. I think I'm going insane with trying to put new stuff on my eee pc and on the desktop at home. I bought a WD external hard drive this weekend. Ask me why I keep distracting myself with these useless meaningless activities. C'mon, ask.

I don't have an answer for you. Just that I don't have an appetite for doing more. God what is this low-level depression coming along again. Fuck it.

Well, tomorrow J won't be in the office. When she's there, we hardly even talk coz I just HAVE to Google for crap. crap and more crap to fill my minutes, hours, and days. What the fuck is this?!

Shit.

I should get some sleep. This sleeplessness is affecting my concentration, as well as my hard-earned sanity. Clarity of mind where the fuck are you?

Tangina parang nababaliw ako. Hindi ko alam bakit dami-dami kong ginagawa na walang kwenta, walang katuturan. Download dito, search dun. Para saan?! para may magawa?! is that all life is? filling seconds with meaningless nothing, activities, crap.

By my count, I lack 14 hours of sleep. Must sleep. Can't eh. whatto do?

2009-03-25T20:38:00.002+08:00

I installed Puppy Linux on my desktop at home so that I can have a relatively safer web browsing experience. The desktop already has WinXP on it, but that didn't stop me from installing this suuuuper cute Linux distribution. I first downloaded Unetbootin (exe file) and an iso of the Puppy. Then I ran the Unetbootin then installed the iso file. Instructions and download locations can be found here.

So far, about a few minutes into testing it, the Puppy works great!!! I think I love it. Now I can just use WinXP to run stubborn Windows applications. :D

2009-03-14T18:14:00.002+08:00

Enrolled and paid for my oral defense this morning. Cost was about 3k plus. That's alright. Para lang matapos na ang lecheng thesis na yan. Sana lang matapos, at hindi ako bumagsak. Gulp!

Nothing else.

2009-03-13T11:13:00.001+08:00

Every day when I walk along the halls of our office, either going to the restroom or just trying to look busy, I am struck by this uncharitable thought: "God, there are no beautiful people here! Or even just pretty people. Everyone's butt-ugly." I wonder if the office building was inadvertently built on a tract of land that had some sort of magnetic field that pulled unattractive people into its fold. Well, to be fair, no one is really beastly, except for a couple of guys in higher management and several girls in Accounting, but in general, there are no beautiful people in this office building.

Let me clarify that I use beauty in the wholistic sense. So, is the girl who stirs her coffee like she was trying to start a hurricane in her coffee cup physically pretty? Yes. But she's hideous underneath that. Is the guy who drives an Expedition and comes in late every day boyishly handsome? Without a doubt. But he's incredibly dumb and that's just not attractive.

How about the midget woman in Treasury? She's a troll.

Anyway, I'm just offering an observation, ugly in its own way. Must fit in, you see.

2009-03-12T10:58:00.001+08:00

My thesis defense is scheduled for next Thursday 11 AM. I'm excited and apprehensive. I hope that that chapter in my life will finally be concluded, and I can move on to greater things. What greater things? Well I'll have to wait and see along with the rest of you.

Meanwhile I've been toying with the idea of writing another story. And finishing it this time. Oh, and I've also been thinking of creating a fresh new blog, and leaving this old one. I want to make that new blog chock-full of features like Photo Friday or Tank Top Tuesday. Wouldn't that be fun? And I'd finally write with sense and dignity and have readers to who interact. Hehehe. I'm still considering it though, coz I'm not sure I'll have enough self-discipline to actually follow through on these plans. And besides, who says I have to leave this blog? I can just add it on. Although I wouldn't want to be deluged with visitors from Google Images or something. We'll see.

Good luck to me on my defense!

2009-03-03T13:44:00.002+08:00

My thesis is undergoing its final revision before I submit it to my panel and schedule my defense. Well, I just finished it this morning. No matter how much I detest my job, I'm grateful for it. I finished my thesis and printed it out here. Bwahahahaha!!! I was going to photocopy it here too but I reconsidered.

God I hope this ends soon! Finally!

***

Courage by Anne Sexton

It is in the small things we see it.
The child's first step,
as awesome as an earthquake.
The first time you rode a bike,
wallowing up the sidewalk.
The first spanking when your heart
went on a journey all alone.
When they called you crybaby
or poor or fatty or crazy
and made you into an alien,
you drank their acid
and concealed it.

Later,
if you faced the death of bombs and bullets
you did not do it with a banner,
you did it with only a hat to
comver your heart.
You did not fondle the weakness inside you
though it was there.
Your courage was a small coal
that you kept swallowing.
If your buddy saved you
and died himself in so doing,
then his courage was not courage,
it was love; love as simple as shaving soap.

Later,
if you have endured a great despair,
then you did it alone,
getting a transfusion from the fire,
picking the scabs off your heart,
then wringing it out like a sock.
Next, my kinsman, you powdered your sorrow,
you gave it a back rub
and then you covered it with a blanket
and after it had slept a while
it woke to the wings of the roses
and was transformed.

Later,
when you face old age and its natural conclusion
your courage will still be shown in the little ways,
each spring will be a sword you'll sharpen,
those you love will live in a fever of love,
and you'll bargain with the calendar
and at the last moment
when death opens the back door
you'll put on your carpet slippers
and stride out.

2009-03-01T20:11:00.002+08:00

It feels wonderful to be remembered. A few days ago, on my birthday, my dear friend Em called me all the way from the UK. I was truly touched. We talked a short bit. We've been emailing. It's so easy to lose touch with people you love, when you're doing things you don't love. Hehe.

Tomorrow back to work. When I finish defending my thesis, and I get my fucking degree, I'm resigning. Itaga niyo yan sa bato. i don't want to take provincial trips! Not without J. I don't want to keep doing this shitty bullshit. Yoko na dude. So who wants to take my place? Send me your resume. It's a nice job. Just not for me. :D

2009-02-28T19:55:00.003+08:00

What an unlucky day. J and I went to Robinsons Galleria and Megamall, looking for computer-assisted learning software for her thesis. I was silly enough to think my poor feet had forgiven me for walking on them all over Metro Manila last Thursday; I shoved them into a pair of unfamiliar shoes. I don't blame them for staging a revolt and making me nearly hobbled. Of course, ever sympathetic J said, "E bakit kasi yan ang sinuot mo??!" Hahaha. Well, I bought a pair of flipflops in St. Francis Square. My sigh of relief was echoed by my feet's. But they had not forgiven me yet! When we got to Megamall, one of them said "Fuck you" and promptly blistered. So off we went to Watsons to buy a pack of band-aids.

For about a couple of hours, they were quiet. But my right foot must've gotten jealous of lefty's new accessory. It erupted into a blister too! We were already on our way back to Robinsons then so I had to skip over to the side of the sidewalk to apply more band-aids.

There. I think they're appeased. Both of them have x-shaped band-aids over their arches.

***

Oh, and while all this was happening, my stomach was also staging its own production. Good thing we found a restroom in Megamall that was miraculously half-empty. I really hate using mall restrooms.

***

"Honey, may confession ako."

"..."

"Nung sine-search ko si A**** D*****, sinearch ko rin si Emily."

"Nahanap mo?"

"Sa friendster."

"O, anong nalaman mo?"

"Wala. Mag-aasawa na raw siya. O nag-asawa na. Nag-asawa na siguro. Hindi ata niya inuupdate yun eh. Nalungkot ako tsaka nainis."

"Bakit?"

"Kasi hindi kami friends. Nandun yung mga friends niya dito, pati yung ex niya bago ako. Parang she didn't cut off contact with everyone except me."

"Bakit?"

"Kasi ako lang ang nang-away sa kanya."

"Pagnaghiwalay ba tayo honey, hahanapin mo rin ako?"

"..."

"..."

"Huwag mo sasabihin yan honey. Naiiyak ako."

Later

"Honey, huwag mo ako hihiwalayan ha?"

"Oo. Hindi."

"Kahit naiinis ka na sa akin?"

A smile and a nod.

"Honey... honey... honey..."

"Para kang bata."

***

Yes I have been a control freak, a know-it-all. I've put down her choices, her decisions. I've undermined her, doubted her. Yes, I've been a nasty partner. I have no idea how she puts up with me. I know why. I just don't know how. I guess all the past issues catch up with me at all the wrong moments. Or they're all just below the surface. Lately I've been acting like a robot programmed by past events. It's difficult to always be AWARE.

God help me not screw this all up. God give me clarity. Give me a clear head, for once!

Let me be patient. Let me be kind. Let me be like her tender with my lover's heart.

***

I'm turning into my father. How's that for karma?

2009-02-26T22:40:00.002+08:00

things change but many stay the same. i think i will always hate you. because you were destiny's accomplice. i hate that our lives intersected once upon a time, and now i cannot believe that i was such a fool. yes, im totally over you and you can go get married (or have you already?) and it wouldn't change my world. i guess the truth is, i'm just sad we didn't keep in touch. that maybe all of that was so forgettable for you after all. wouldn't surprise me. but enough about my bitterness. i just wish we could have become friends again. if only my heart did not scar so much. you would have had a place. who knows?

ah hell. just for old time's sake, fuck you. half-hearted at best, but fuck you nonetheless.

i wish you all the best and all the happiness that i always told you you deserved. you'd never acknowledge me, perhaps i caused you the most unhappiness, but still. i valued you first.

jesus christ i'm fucking evil. suddenly tonight. because, well, you were there.

evil evil evil. because you saw me and looked away. shit

so that's why, never break up with me. coz i'm bitter to the core.

********

um, none of the above rant pertains to J in any way. three guesses as to whom it's addressed to. only one person fucked me up, so only idiots wouldn't know.

*******

God Emily who are you now?

2009-02-26T20:13:00.000+08:00

Have I posted this already?

Jennifer Corday!! woohoo!

2009-02-26T20:09:00.000+08:00

2009-02-26T19:58:00.001+08:00

Mai-Ya-Hi

Mai-Ya-Hoo

Mai-Ya-Ha

Mai-Ya-Ha-Ha

(Beginning2 2x)

Mai-Ya-Hi (Ma Mi A)

Mai-Ya-Hoo (Ma Mi A)

Mai-Ya-Ha (Ma Mi A)

Mai-Ya-Ha-Ha

(Phrase 1)

Hello, Salute, It's me, Your Duke

And I made something that's real to show you how I feel

Hello, Heelloo, It's me, Picasso

I will paint, My words of love, with your name on every wall.

(Chorus)

When you leave my colors turn to gray

Ooo-a-Ooo-a-A-Ooo-a-Ooo-a-Ooo-a-A

Every word of love I use to say.

Now I paint them everyday.

When you leave my colors turn to gray

Oh little lover stay, or all my colors fade away

Every word of love I use to say.

Now I paint them everyday.

(Phrase 2)

I sold, my strings, my song and dreams

And I bought some paints to match the colors of my love.

Hello, Helloo, It's me again, Picasso. I will spray, my words of love with your name on every wall.

(Chorus)

When you leave my colors turn to gray

Ooo-a-Ooo-a-A-Ooo-a-Ooo-a-Ooo-a-A

Every word of love I use to say.

Now I paint them everyday.

When you leave my colors turn to gray

Oh little lover stay, or all my colors fade away

Every word of love I use to say.

Now I paint them everyday.

(Ending 2x)

Mai-Ya-Hi

Mai-Ya-Hoo

Mai-Ya-Ha

Mai-Ya-Ha-Ha

(Ending 2x)

Mai-Ya-Hi (Ma Mi A)

Mai-Ya-Hoo (Ma Mi A)

Mai-Ya-Ha (Ma Mi A)

Mai-Ya-Ha-Ha

(Chorus)

When you leave my colors turn to gray

Ooo-a-Ooo-a-A-Ooo-a-Ooo-a-Ooo-a-A

Every word of love I use to say.

Now I paint them everyday.

When you leave my colors turn to gray

Oh little lover stay, or all my colors fade away

Every word of love I use to say.

Now I paint them everyday.

2009-02-26T19:41:00.002+08:00

J's looking for some dude who wrote a thesis for his MA ED-SPEd in UP Diliman. Hence, faithful gf searched high and low on the www.

Friendster's a dead end.

Had to sign up on Facebook, hoping he's there. Well, right after I did, J texts and tells me she's not looking for him anymore. So now I'm stuck with a Facebook account. Parang MySpace ba ito na kahit i-delete ko ang account ko meron parin??? Hm.

Anyway, I don't like these social networking sites. Not that I have anything to hide, but... well I do have some things to hide. Especially from work!! Paano na pagnahanap ng mga utaw ang blog kong ito at nabasa kung gaano ko kinasusuklaman ang trabaho ko? Patay ang lola mo.

On other news, I finally went and passed my thesis final draft to Dr. R. for review. Hopefully I get to defend before the sem ends. I really want to get that fucking MA so I can get out of this job. Start teaching other miscreants like me how to be TRUE misanthropes. Yep.

I was just telling N that for some reason, I love Numa Numa. Yes, I do. I'm not even being sarcastic here. I really love it. I love love love it.

Numa numa. Hehehe. I loved it in Chicken Little. Now I downloaded it and I love it on my mp3.

Numa numa. Hehehe. Am I being weird again? Other people hate it.

Well, B my niece loves it. she also loves Beyonce, I mean Sasha Fierce's Single Ladies. Well, I must admit everytime I see the video for it, I'm transfixed. Absolutely transfixed. No drooling, just fixed staring. It's cute! The first time I actually found Beyonce tolerable.

Oh Jesus Christ. I'm in love with Leona Lewis' Better in Time. In. love. with. it.

***

Nervous energy here. Coz I got away with being out of the office the whole day. And coz I've passed my thesis. And coz somehow there is movement in my life. Even if it's all just in my head. Facebook. Yuck. The things one does for love.

***

It's been the longest winter without you,
I didn't know where to turn to.
See, somehow I can't forget you,
After all that we've been through.

Going, coming... thought I heard a knock
Who's there? No one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't,
Nooo

If you didn't notice, boy, you mean everything.
Quickly I'm learning to love again,
All I know is I'm gon' be okay

[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too, ooh yeah
(It'll all get better in time)
And even though I really love you,
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

How could I could I turn on the TV,
Without something that'll remind me
Was it all that easy?
To just put aside your feelings.
If I'm dreaming, don't wanna lie,
Hurt my feelings

But that's the path

I believe in,
And I know that time will heal it

If you didn't notice, well
You mean everything.
Quickly I'm learning to love again,
All I know is I'm gon' be okay

[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too, ooh yeah
(It'll all get better in time)
And even though I really love you,
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to, ooooooh
It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me (no more you and me)
It's time I let you go so I can be free
And live my life how it should be.
No matter how hard it is,
I'll be fine without you, Yes I will.

[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too ohhhh
It'll all get better in time ooooh
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to (yes I do)
It'll all get better in time, woah

Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too, yeahh
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to

2009-02-22T20:01:00.000+08:00

My neice turned two years old today. Well technically, she turns two later at 11:45 pm. Her birthday celebration was at a resort in Calamba, Laguna. It was a nice place. Public, so lots of people - mostly kids. There were around five pools that I saw, one heated kiddie pool and the others semi-heated. I explored for a bit and found a lovely clearing far from the crowd. It was at the foot of a small hill. Up the hill was a grotto. (how unique, no?) The clearing was lovely and grass-covered. I was pretty amazed when I first came upon it. The path was beside a lump of sand and inconspicuous. Near the actual foot of the hill were two grazing ponies. Yes, ponies. Brown and maybe half the size of real horses.

They were tied to some trees and had grazed the surrounding grass almost to nonexistence. They seemed satisfied, though. Just nipping and tearing grass off the rocky ground. I was fascinated. I've never seen horses (ponies) graze before. I didn't know that there was the sound of tearing grass. It was peaceful. I stayed there for a bit, just watching them.

A while later, I returned there with my neice and we squatted near one of them, watching his thick mouth munching. It was calming. Absolutely took me away. I loved it there. Take away the pools, the tree-house, the yelling kids, and that clearing with those ponies was worth the trip.

I guess it's one of those peak experiences Maslow talked about. A quiet one, but unmistakable. To be a horse, silently munching grass while letting strange short people gawk.

***

I missed J while I was walking there alone. She would have loved watching those horses with me. That's one of the things I love about her. I learn in our silent observation. She has so many stories and I can almost imagine myself in her idyllic recollections. She talks of simpler lives. She enthralls me with her stories of growing up in the province, having a carabao to ride, having said carabao throw one off, planting a mango tree that still stands today, harvesting bananas. I guess a part of me will always imagine myself growing up in such a setting.

She nurtures my inner child. That's what I love about her. She parents me, even as we argue and butt heads. There is something so inextricable in our relationship. I yearn for her tenderness. It feels like I've been waiting for it my whole life. All 29 years of it. There is nothing artificial about it. Nothing put-upon. True tenderness and caring. Simple, unusual, uncomplicated, not fleeting.

Even as I sniped at her and muttered and threw my hands around like a maniac, she talked to me sweetly, knowing that my patience was at an end.

I told her once, early on. So many people around me but no one knows me. She looked me in the eye and said with her words, "Kilala kita," and with her actions, "Kilala kita."

She sees me. She knows me. Even when she does not hear me or rather, chooses not to hear me, she knows me. And she knows me with the kindness I do not allow myself.

***

All in all, a good day.

2009-02-21T20:03:00.002+08:00

Good day lovely readers on the eve of my birth anniversary! Tomorrow I turn 29. Isn't there a catchy Katy Perry song I can link to to commemorate? Something toe-tapping but absolutely bullshit?
Ahhh...

Well, there's always this one.

Cutie Ukelady Thessaly Lerner and Brunch with Bridget's Bridget McManus.

Sucks to be me right now. I'm gonna be sniffling on my birthday. Sniffling and wiping snot away. Coz for the hundredth time this year, I'm ILL with some flu-type thing. The virus in the office self-actualized. Hahaha. Hehehhe. LOL, for you techies. ROTFL

For those that were concerned about my previous rant, forgidaboutid. I calmed down and reevaluated my options for a bit. Imagined life without my irritating love to irritate me, and decided I didn't want to get too bored. Although today, when we were in Divi hoofing it up and down Ilaya, 168, and the gritty streets and alleys, she was pushing me buttons once more. God. Sometimes I think I'm an intolerant bitch, but I spend an afternoon with her at her snittiest, and I reconsider.

Who am I kidding?! I love her to bits!!! Even when I want to strangle her. I'll love her strangled bits. It's just that she's stubborn and I want things done my way. I don't like being questioned. Yeah, scary. That's what I turn into. We have an Evil Wednesday at the office. Coz everyone is extra evil on Wednesdays. Especially J and I. Well, it really just pertains to J and I.

OMG WHAT HAVE I BECOME?! hehheeee. A mindless drone in the head office of evil, that's what.

Go ahead, watch the Ukelady video again. She's sweet, isn't she? Happy birthday to me!

2009-02-14T08:35:00.002+08:00

There's some sort of virus or malware going around the office. It's screwing up everything. In their attempts at containing it, the genius IT folk have blocked everything from Yahoomail to Listverse. Good ol' firewall lets Cracked.com through though. I have to laugh at that.

Haven't bought a wireless mouse yet. The ugly dude salesperson at the CD King at Waltermart Makati was too busy with fat sweating man/customer to pay attention to me so I took my business elsewhere. Right now I'm wishing I had one because my generic mouse is tangled with my Epc's powercord.

Anyway, crappy week. J and I are at an impasse. She's pissed at me and I'm damn pissed at her. Yesterday, I was typing something soooo fucking complicated (a flowchart) and when I finished, 2 hours later, I neglected to save it. In my utter exhaustion, I clicked the X at the corner of the window, and did not SAVE it when Word prompted me to. Yes, I know. Anyway, so I started cursing like the devil.

"Putang ina! Putang ina talaga! Tanginang buhay to." and so on and so forth.
- Me

"That's what you call stupidity." - J

I honestly could have flung the mouse, not at her, but at the monitor. I probably still could. So pissed was I! At myself for my stupidity, and at J for rubbing salt into the wound. So I kept up my steady stream of curses, cursing everything from the computer to the irritating HR person announcing love messages over the PA (it was the day before V-day.)

So to make matters worse, and to piss me off more, J didn't want to eat at a "real-food" restaurant afterwards. We had talked about it, and I said that I was sick to my stomach of fastfood and Red Ribbon. Where did we end up eating??? RED fucking RIBBON! The salisbury steak was good, but that is just not the point!!! I wanted to eat somewhere else!! Couldn't she understand
that?!?!?!?

Oh well obviously, there were other things going on that just choice of restaurant. It felt like she was thwarting me, frustrating me, intentionally. Now, if you want to get my goat good, that's what you do. Stand between me and my whim of the moment. That would guarantee you a really pissed off and closed-mouthed Tina. I was so goddamn pissed and I still am. Didn't talk to her the rest of the evening.

still not talking. Texted though. And her hard-heartedness has not texted back. Getting me all the more pissed.

Tangina namang buhay to. Ito ba ang destiny ng buhay ko, na laging mainis at mafrustrate at makasama ang mga taong gustung-gusto ako inisin?!?!?!?

AHHH SAWANG SAWA NA AKoOOO.

2009-02-07T10:19:00.002+08:00

I want to buy a wireless mouse. Might troll the mall later for that.

Yesterday boss, mini-boss, and I went to the French Embassy in Makati. Pacific Star Building, for you googlers out there. Corner paseo de roxas and makati ave.

Met my first French lady. Very nice, beautiful eyes. Nice tan. Mas maitim siya sa akin. Haha. Unang bese ko palang marinig ang accent galing sa masungit na babaeng Pinay pero French na akala ko security hindi pala, naisip ko na, "ahhh kaya pala ang daming nagkakagusto sa French accent." Cute.

Impromptu counseling session, aggressive r. Phil type REBT for bossing. Masaya. Got to escape the office for the whole day. Fruitful? Not really. Enjoyable? TOTALLY.

2009-01-31T23:08:00.002+08:00

I'm sick sick sick of work! Stressed. Gotta come out with a research journal by March. E ang mga bobito at bobitang *fuck*ulty e mga tamad. Paano ako gagawa ng journal e walang nagreresearch???? Mga engot.

O ayan. My year or so in this institution has bled my intelligence away. Salamat mga utaw. Heheh.

Eternal lines from our esteemed head:

"E inutusan lang yan bumili ng patis, naging HR na!"

"Alam mo, kung alam mong mga bobo't boba ang mga tao diyan, i-eexplore mo hanggang saan ka pwedeng umabot!"

"Ito talaga... masama ugali mo. Di ka man lang mang-imbita (mag-yosi)"

For a second there, I was attracted to her. Hahaha.

*****

Two weeks of hypomania, soul-searching, trying to discern my place in the world. Deeply unhappy, profoundly discontented, I just had to shut down. Two weeks of being on auto-pilot, navigating by instinct alone, even that failing at the end.

So what has come out of it?

I just need to defend my godsbedamned thesis and put it to bed, finally. Then I can go on with the rest of my fated life.

Sometimes when I'm in the depths of my hell, sitting on the jeep or staring at the computer monitor, I hear from somewhere - Help me - and I just know I need to get out.

2009-01-26T11:42:00.002+08:00

I may have inadvertently unleashed a virus on our office network. Though I'm not absolutely certain that it was me! Anyway, keeping my nose clean for now.

Well, I've been "researching" on the net for VERY IMPORTANT, WORK-RELATED information and came across this WORK-RELATED online novel. It's called Darkside. Do yourselves a favor and escape for an hour or two from your mundane office lives and read it. The story is a fantasy about a young man who would not stay dead! It's got vampires, shape-shifters, goblins, gremlins, ghost dogs, and demons. Just what we all need in the middle of the work day.

2009-01-05T14:39:00.003+08:00

An excerpt from The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED READING, if you ever find it. The entire Chapter 1 is linked on my Read Online list to the left. Or rather, here it is!

What is the greatest obstacle to experiencing this reality?

Identification with your mind, which causes thought to become compulsive. Not to be able to stop thinking is a dreadful affliction, but we don't realize this because almost everybody is suffering from it, so it is considered normal. This incessant mental noise prevents you from finding that realm of inner stillness that is inseparable from Being. It also creates a false mind-made self that casts a shadow of fear and suffering. We will look at all that in more detail later.

The philosopher Descartes believed that he had found the most fundamental truth when he made his famous statement: "I think, therefore I am." He had, in fact, given expression to the most basic error: to equate thinking with Being and identity with thinking. The compulsive thinker, which means almost everyone, lives in a state of apparent separateness, in an insanely complex world of continuous problems and conflict, a world that reflects the ever-increasing fragmentation of the mind. Enlightenment is a state of wholeness, of being "at one" and therefore at peace. At one with life in its manifested aspect, the world, as well as with your deepest self and life unmanifested - at one with Being. Enlightenment is not only the end of suffering and of continuous conflict within and without, but also the end of the dreadful enslavement to incessant thinking. What an incredible liberation this is!

Identification with your mind creates an opaque screen of concepts, labels, images, words, judgments, and definitions that blocks all true relationship. It comes between you and yourself, between you and your fellow man and woman, between you and nature, between you and God. It is this screen of thought that creates the illusion of separateness, the illusion that there is you and a totally separate "other." You then forget the essential fact that, underneath the level of physical appearances and separate forms, you are one with all that is. By "forget," I mean that you can no longer feel this oneness as self-evident reality. You may believe it to be true, but you no longer know it to be true. A belief may be comforting. Only through your own experience, however, does it become liberating.

Thinking has become a disease. Disease happens when things get out of balance. For example, there is nothing wrong with cells dividing and multiplying in the body, but when this process continues in disregard of the total organism, cells proliferate and we have disease.

Note: The mind is a superb instrument if used rightly. Used wrongly, however, it becomes very destructive. To put it more accurately, it is not so much that you use your mind wrongly - you usually don't use it at all. It uses you. This is the disease. You believe that you are your mind. This is the delusion. The instrument has taken you over.

2008-12-31T02:45:00.002+08:00

It's around 2 in the morning and i can't sleep. for some reason, my mind is running away with my reason. maybe it's the fact that another year is close to ending. though it's all an arbitrary measure, time, i am still part of the collective consciousness that marks tomorrow (or today) is the last day of 2008. so i ruminate and obsess and all in all feel out-of-sorts.

the year that was

it was overall a good year, i think. career-wise, i'm still at the lower levels. i took a step up but it was in a divergent direction. i think i'll only stay a year, see what i can actually do for the company, before setting off into the direction i really want. teaching is what i want to do, not administering. hehe

relationships-wise, it was so-so. i am happy with the state of my heart, but i just realized tonight how i've let my friendships go. it made me sad, realizing that the close bonds of the past have sort of frayed. i met up with a couple of dear friends over the weekend (was it weekend? I'm losing time again) and i enjoyed reconnecting somehow. i miss them, my friends. i miss how texting them used to be so easy while now it has become rather out of the ordinary. not just JC and G, but all my friends that i've lost contact with. i suppose, as someone wisely said, that old ties are hard to keep tight simply because there's hardly time and opportunity to physically renew them. now our friends are our work buddies. sad, but a fact of this life. nonetheless, i do hope somehow that my friendships remain as strong and as poignant.

work buddies. i realize i haven't blogged about the peculiar bunch of people i work with. they're pretty cool. i enjoy spending my work time with them, mostly. i can't really go into particulars, as it's not really safe... but i do enjoy them as people. now if only the time i have to spend with them at work could get shortened...

the year that was was fine. it wasn't too bad, neither was it outstanding. overall, okay lang.

2008-12-24T13:05:00.003+08:00

Putangina ang Sun hindi ako makatawag kay J. Leche.

Anyway, I just read lei's recap of her 2008 and wondered at the optimism. Forced me to evaluate my own attitude towards life in general. Haha as if you loyal reader do not know my attitude towards life in general. I hate it. I resist it. Sometimes the bitch catches me by the neck and i have to stay to watch her tortures, but in general, i want to stay as far away from life as possible. too painful, you understand.

no no no. why shouldn't i try for optimism?

later i'll be able to talk to J. later i'll be able to go online and the internet connection will be fast. later i'll be happy happy coz it's fucking christmas

ewan ko bakit ako galit na galit. siguro sa sarili ko kasi gusto kong... marami akong gusto.. hindi ko magawa.

or, the best explanation is, that I stayed up til 2 am last night downloading videos that have for some reason DISAPPEARED from my folder. ewan wala akong pakialam. i'm sleep-deprived! That makes for an irritable irritable tina. sorry

2008-12-23T22:45:00.000+08:00

it's nearly christmas! merry christmas! what do i want for christmas? hmm

i wanna be in love (melissa etheridge)

2008-12-20T21:26:00.002+08:00

Oh! A true classic. Melissa Etheridge, Come to my Window.

Jesus, is it just me or are insane women in white tank tops truly strangely hot? Juliette Lewis in the video, circa 1994.

imagine what havoc this video played on my impressionable 14 year-old brain. Must be why I'm drawn to private worlds. My first instinct is always to visit unarmed. I usually come away singed, changed, and unrepentant. I love complex women with private words and private worlds. Blame Juliette and Melissa! Anyway, acknowledging the fact that everyone is a teeny bit crazy anyway, I think I'm more able to protect myself these days.

tortured. i love that word. tortured. delicious

Oh women. Women who howl, tear their hair out, stand forever in street corners, waiting. Or sit in padded rooms (attics?) waiting, wailing. I love the fettered insanity. Makes it all more poignant somehow. All=life. God in this world, you'd be mad not to go at least a little bit mad, dontcha think?

women in white tank tops.

women slinging guitars. In denim vests.

YUM

2008-12-20T21:13:00.001+08:00

Enjoy. Anywhere by Evanescence

2008-12-07T10:42:00.002+08:00

i have a tremendous pain in my lower back. it's excruciating. everytime i move, i have to gasp. damn.

anyone know any fast relief for lower back pain? pain killers don't work. my muscles back there are all knotted up. tangina ang lamig lamig kasi sa @$#

fuck

2008-11-27T16:28:00.001+08:00

Took a leave off work today and probably will again for half the day tomorrow. Why? Coz I want to :D Nah, I had some family chores and thesis chores to take care of.

Anyway, will/ might post more later.

2008-11-24T12:00:00.000+08:00

I was reading a list at Listverse.com about extreme examples of gender inequality. As expected, majority of the examples came from Middle Eastern and/or Muslim countries. This opened the floodgates of anti-Muslim sentiment in the commenters, which swiftly prompted the Islamic readers to send their own volley of arguments. I read the comments with as much enjoyment as I did the list. A lot of them raised the argument that religion causes oppression as it allows those with narrow worldviews and hateful hearts to hide behind the fundamentalist label. I tend to agree. Some of them turned the blame to culture, saying that some sexist practices have existed even before any religion came to being. I also tend to agree. One of them mentioned that men have always found ways to subjugate women, and if religion hadn't come along, they would've found other rationalizations for the inequality. I heartily agree. Men are scum, you see. Hehe.

I love reading controversial lists like these in that site. As I mentioned before, the commenters in that site are some of the most intelligent I've come across in this online world. Insightful, well-informed, eloquent, etc. Take note, I don't include ALL the commenters, just most of them.

So this is how it came to be that it is 11:20 in the morning and I'm pondering my religion or lack thereof.

I was trying to look for religions that I can study and hopefully join. It must be the near-apocalyptic tone that rings in my ear as I witness the economic and social decline the world is facing, but I find myself wanting to have a religion. I was baptized Roman Catholic, but I've long ago cut my soul free from that evil institution. Now I'm looking for a religion that I resonate with.

Briefly, I considered the Episcopalian Church. I was encouraged to learn that there is an Episcopalian Church here in the Philippines. But don't blame me for being cautious; in my observation, Christ-based churches always have a fundamental fear of difference. The Episcopalian Church in the US welcome gays and lesbians, and even allow same-sex marriage (of course it's not legal) I am afraid to learn if the Philippine version holds the same doctrine of love.

I was also researching on Neopagan religions. I must admit that worshipping nature and other inanimate objects doesn't kindle my spirit.

What else is there? All other organized religions turn me off in one way or another. It's not so much the belief system, but the organization that turns me off - the fact that subscribing to one religion would force me to mould my worship according to man-made rituals. Yes, I want to believe in something that answers my questions, but not if I have to dance with a mindless horde (figuratively) before I hear the answers!

In the end, all these churches, religious institutions that control these religions, are groups. In Social Psych, one of the most basic concepts is conformity, in-group vs out-group mentality. Do I really want to belong to a Group, simply so that my world will organize itself into this bipartisan order?

Too many things include and exclude. Too many groups. Some inescapable, some superfluous. To me, nothing is more superfluous than religious groups. Why do we need to belong to a certain sect (cult?) in order to be spiritually nourished?

I realize that I don't. Only mindless idiots do. There, can't you see? I am spiteful and hating enough that I can stand on my own, without a pseudo-god to back me up.

So, at 11:40 AM, I decide that I do not want religion after all; or rather, I do not want membership to any religious group/church/cult.

Ah, witness this defining moment in my spiritual growth!

***

So what do I believe in? What is my spirituality?

I believe that energy is cyclical and it is infinite. I believe that this life is just one of a series of lives. That there is no real meaning to life, we are incidental microbes that through a fluke of science, gained sentience. The laws of physics apply not just to physical elements, but to spiritual elements too. Hence, physical gravity, inertia, etc. have their counterparts in spirituality.

Ooops, now It's 12 noon. Thus, time for lunch, or in my case, time-out. My stomach is having its own revolution on my behalf, thus I'm taking the halfday off!

2008-11-23T23:47:00.002+08:00

Found a way to play flv files on my phone. Followed this dude's helpful share and tips.

If anyone with a Symbian S60v3 phone out there has a better idea, let me know.

2008-11-23T22:17:00.001+08:00

Holy Fuck. I love the song. I loved the tv series. Someone had the genius idea to put them together. Nakaka-touch *sniffle*

2008-11-23T09:35:00.002+08:00

2008-11-23T09:35:00.001+08:00

2008-11-16T19:10:00.001+08:00

Pucha pucha. The coming work week looks glum. Many things to do! Want to absent myself and stay home with Polky and my Carbide Theme Creator. Haaay.

Still coughing. I'm actually getting worried. Is my respiratory system finally getting back at me? goddamnit.

Right now I'm downloading Open Office coz my sister has lost our bootleg MS Office installer. Windows sucks.

2008-11-13T12:47:00.004+08:00

A new firewall installed at the office has made it impossible for me to access my blog. Well, Blogspot is blocked. It's derailed by thesis a little to the left, as I can't access my respondents' blogs in the office. I would have to schedule a block of time to do it at home. Unfortunately, I haven't had a lot of time these past weekends. There are so many, many other things I would rather do!

On other news, I bought a new second-hand phone a few weeks ago. It's a Nokia N80. I don't really care that it's been "phased out" as long as its features are more than my old Moto Razr v3i, another "phased out" phone, according to the sellers in Greenhills. The N80 is capable of WiFi browsing so that's incredibly amazing to me. A phone worth approximately 7 thou, with no discernible defects, makinis pa, etc. etc. It's good enough for me.

I also bought a china phone branded Q 380A+. It's not a TV phone but it has a touch screen, bluetooth, expandable memory, VGA camera that's pretty damn good, and it has dual sim capability. Gave that phone to J. All I was looking for was a dual sim phone because dear irrascible J doesn't want to give up her Smart number. The china phone is about 3 thou. I think it's a good value for money. We had to exchange units thrice because the first two were duds. That's the danger with these china phones. But the third unit is great so far. For those who want to buy a china phone, my recommendation to you is to spend a long time testing the unit. Stand right there in front of the store/ stall and test all the applications, if possible. Test bluetooth, test the camera, test all the keys, test the touch screen's responsiveness, test if the unit's battery charges, test if it sends messages and makes and receives calls, etc.

I was looking high and low on the Net, trying to find a user's review of the Q380A+ phone. I couldn't find a single damn one. So I decided to make one myself. This is for all of you curious cats out there, wanting to find out if these china phones (at least one of them) is a good deal.

DISCLAIMER

I do not condone piracy. Well, I couldn't care less what you do with your money, but I don't want to be accused of promoting fake merchandise. The Q380A+ is branded iPhone but it looks like a Sony Erikson handset :D Funny cute. So I could argue that by virtue of it looking NOTHING like an iPhone, it's not really a fake iPhone :D

Q 380 A+ China Phone Review

China phones used to be called "disposable" but only because there were no available parts here in the Phils. Once a hardware component is damaged, it cannot be repaired anymore. But I saw some stalls in Greenhills that advertise "China phone repair" so maybe the parts have finally landed here. If that's the case, I think these china phones will be Nokia-killers, just as the Asus EEE PC is was called the "laptop-killer" for its low price and high usability.
I actually love that little china phone. I'd buy one for myself, except I don't need a dual sim. That, and the fact that it doesn't support Java. Hence, no Java games. It does have some built-in games but those are quite simple and not challenging at all. The 380A+ also has an ebook reader that J has started to appreciate. I bluetooth her some text files of fanfic that I download or keep on my own phone and she spends hours reading them on the cute little screen.

Dual Sim

The Q380A+ is a "true" dual sim phone. Both sims are active all the time. It is possible to separately configure the sims to activate one and deactivate the other at certain points, but why do that? The signals for both networks (Smart and Sun) in this phone are no stronger or weaker than in other phones. Incoming calls and text messages have an indicator as to whether the call/text is coming to sim1 or sim2. Outgoing calls and texts can be made from either sim1 or sim2, depending on which one has load :D Hehehe. The phone user will simply choose which sim to use to call or text. It's really very easy and intuitive.

Memory

The phone has the capability of expandable memory, in the form of a miniSD slot. The unit came with a 128 MB miniSD and so far it's large enough to meet my J's few memory needs. A higher capacity miniSD can be bought to replace the 128 MB though, so it's not a big deal. The phone's RAM (if it can be called that) is good enough for its applications. There's no lag or hang.

Connectivity

The Q 380 A+ is capable of Bluetooth and USB connection to a PC. The Bluetooth is quick and hassle-free. Upon connecting the USB cable to the PC, the phone starts charging. At the same time, a prompt on the phone will ask whether it will connect as a mass storage device, as a webcam, as a COM port, or as a Pictbridge. I have no idea of the latter two, so we usually connect as a mass storage device. Data transfer is quick. We've successfully transferred pictures and mp3's with no hassle. Later these files were accessible from the File Manager. Transfer from the phone to PC is also quick.

Camera

The saleslady was honest enough to say that the Q380A+ only came with a VGA camera. Websites will tout that it has a 1.3 MP camera. Actually, upon viewing the pics that we took using our unit's camera, the image quality is comparable with a 1.3 MP camera. It takes bright pictures (in adequate light) with crisp colors. Since we don't really take many pictures, the simple camera that comes with this phone is good enough.

Some sample photos of objects around me right now (taken by the Q380A+'s camera:

Emily the Strange purse/coin bank

Same purse/coin bank, with mouse

Audio Features

This phone's speakers have an outstanding audio quality. The audio is loud and clear. The FM reception is comparable to any portable mp3 player and radio receiver. The Handsfree feature is also very nice, with clear and loud quality audio.

Form Factor

The phone is cute cute cute! It comes in two colors: black and white. We got the black one.

Image of the Q380A+ taken by my N80

The Q380A+ lying on a face towel

The Q380A+ in J's hand

Other Features

I was amused to see that this phone supports video recording and saves in an .avi format. Vide playback is also supported. Playback on recorded videos isn't outstanding as it can be slow and go frame-by-frame almost. But the videos that came installed on the phone played smoothly. Unfortunately, I deleted them soon after we got the phone so I am not able to say what file format they were in.

The pre-installed games are simple and seemed to be designed for children. As J doesn't usually play games, it's fine. Unfortunately, this phone does not support Java so even if I tried downloading a .jar file onto it, the file just appeared in the File Manager but it could not be installed.

We haven't tried WAP, but it is WAP capable. There is even a tutorial on how to activate this feature, along with the MMS. The tutorial can be found here.

Drawbacks

While the Q380A+ has a lot going for it, including the affordable price and gamut of features, it also has some odd quirks.

First and most irritating (for J) is that incoming text messages will reflect the cellphone number of the sender and not the name, even if that name has been saved into the sim phone book. The only way for the names to appear in the Inbox is to manually save the message sender into the phonebook again, even if the entry will become duplicated. Copying the entire sim contacts to phone contacts does not solve this problem. Mano-mano talaga.

Second, is the already-mentioned fact that this phone does not support Java.

Third is related to battery life. Battery life for this phone is pretty good. Talk time can reach up to 2 hours (tested) and possibly extend further (wala na kaming mapag-kwentuhan eh). Standby time can reach up to 3 days. However, once the phone hits the "Low Battery" status and it has to be charged, it will not make or receive calls, nor text messages, until it is fully charged again. But if the phone does not reach "Low Batt" status and it is charged, it will be able to make and take calls and text messages. It's a quirk that I can find no expalantion for. *shrug*

Fourth, the manual is in Chinese. :S

Press Release

Features
Phone Model:
* Q380A+
Network
* GSM 900 / 1800 MHz
Language
* English, Portuguese, French, Spanish, Arabic, Simplified Chinese
Ringtones Type
* Polyphonic (64 channels)
* Support mp3 ring tone
Vibration
* Yes
Music
* Support MP3
* 3GP / MP4, support to play in full screen, forward and pause Data transfer
* USB cable
* Bluetooth
Games
* Puzzle
* Panda
* Chicken
* Games Settings
Camera
* 1.3MP camera
* Support to shoot with sound
Additional Features
* Alarm clock
* Bluetooth
* Calculator
* Calendar
* Dual cards standby phone
* FM radio
* GPRS download
* Hands free
* Handwritten & Keyboard dual input
* Memo
* MMS
* MP3 / MP4 fluent player
* Multicolor light
* Support memory card to extend
* Touch screen
* Voice recognition
* Voice recorder
* WAP
* World time

Package Contains :
1 x mobile phone 1 x earphone 1 x USB cable 1 x 128MB 256MB TF memory card 1 x charger 2 x batteries Manual

2008-11-05T14:32:00.002+08:00

I was reading up on Obama's win in the US Presidential Election, getting teary-eyed at accounts of people celebrating in the streets, old folks crying at what they perceive as a civil rights victory. A few mouse clicks later, I come across this: the "YES" votes for Proposition 8 is leading the "NO" votes. I was especially incensed by the comments after the article. All my goodwill towards the US fell flat like a fart in an air conditioned room. Americans are a foolish people. They are idealistic bigots. Or bigoted idealists.

I could spend the entire afternoon blogging about this big debate about gay marriage. Ultimately, none of it will matter because I am not an American (buti na lang) And besides, my head may simply explode with the accumulation of ire and mucus. So I'll let other people speak for me. Well, I'll let YOU, my readers, decide. Read this wonderful debate here. These people are some of the most intelligent people on the Internet. So just read and judge for yourselves.

Personally, I am firmly into the "NO" camp. This means that I oppose the Proposition that seeks to ban gay marriage in California. I oppose all legislation that seeks to ban even the possibility of gay marriage being someday CONSIDERED as a possibility.

Talk about civil rights. I guess in America, you will only have civil rights if you are STRAIGHT.

2008-10-28T16:44:00.002+08:00

Despite repeated and painful attempts, I have yet to be successful in coughing up a lung.

Notice the list of "READ ONLINE" that I have to the left? Those are live links to some good stuff that I've read online. Just a warning, folks. Don't read "Guts" if you don't want to puke. But read all the rest. Go ahead! They're all entertaining. Some are thought-provoking. All are worthy of your time.

I've been preparing memos left and right, getting ready to launch our research agenda for the next five years. Meanwhile, I'm finishing up my thesis Results and Interpretation. I need to defend and finally finish this goddamn thesis within the next semester, simply because if it doesn't get finished by then, it will NEVER get finished.

An hour more and I'm out of here!

2008-10-23T11:55:00.001+08:00

Ah, the big boss is back. We are tense. This tension translated to me finishing the fourth profile for my thesis. Good good. I do so wish I could take half the day off and go sleep at home. My cough is as bad as it could get. I feel like an escapee from QI. Good thing J isn't here to comment on it.

I'm supposed to be giving a workshop sometime next month. It's going to be a workshop about effective research, of all things. Me? Effective research? I couldn't even finish my godsbedamned thesis. Aside from that, we have a talk to give sometime in the middle of November too. Then I need to enrol for (hopefully) the last time and defend my godsbedamned thesis. Well, I need to finish it first. I can do it! As Dora said, "I know that we can do it! Vamonos!"

I need to digress from the tense tone of the previous two paragraphs. I need to calm down and relax a bit. J isn't around. Last night I was in a miserable funk, missing her something fierce. Somewhere inside that desolate plain, a lone voice of reason spoke, "Do you really need her as a crutch?" Hehehe. Lone voice of reason almost got drowned out by the furies' howls of indignation, "Crutch? Who needs a crutch? And who says I'm (we're) using her as a crutch?!" Hm. Battle Royale going on right in my head as I rode that lonesome jeep to Cubao.

Nobody wishes to be forced into the grown-up world. Would that all of us remain in that twilight between childhood and adulthood, still able to shrink back from responsibilities assumed to be too large but capable enough of feigning confidence. I guess I am not yet completely over the threshold. *hangs head in shame*

Well today I came in to work with my head held high. So I don't have a crutch for three weeks. So I don't have a friendly beloved face to greet me for three weeks. So she will not be around for secret smiles and gentle pats on the back. I don't NEED a crutch. I WANT one, but I can get by fine without one. For the time being. One week (nearly) down, two more to go. Vamonos!

In that sand-swept plain, a soft plea, "Come to me..."

2008-10-21T13:30:00.001+08:00

More cute young dykes that live halfway around the globe.

2008-10-21T11:10:00.002+08:00

Goddammit still sick. Migraine still being a pest. Throat still plastered closed by mucus and other icky things. Didn't go to office yet as I don't want all of them infected. How to explain an entire unit gone due to a viral outbreak? Funny funny, but not so much :(

2008-10-20T16:56:00.003+08:00

Being sick at home has given me the opportunity to review some awesomely funny vids on YouTube. One of them is this cute bird-loving vid by this seriously hot dyke. Go to her channel and see what I mean!

Oh all right. See for yourselves. Ignore the pit hair... or don't, if you like it :)

2008-10-20T15:48:00.003+08:00

Surfing through YouTube for Gender Identity Disorder, I came across this nice vlog by lori called LorisRevival. I watched some of her videos, and found them humorous, touching, heartfelt and informative. I found this gem, a video made by Karen Abad, entitled "And in that moment, I felt infinite." Its a wonderful project.

Here's what Karen had to say about the project:

"Yet it is in this loneliness that the deepest activities begin. It is here that you discover act without motion, labor that is profound repose, vision in obscurity, and, beyond all desire, a fulfillment whose limits extend to infinity.

I suppose what makes me most glad is that we all recognize each other in this metaphysical space of silence and happening, and get some sense, for a moment, that we are full of paradise without knowing it. Thomas Merton

This project was inspired by Patrick Mobergs MellowTron: stuffedrobot.com/images/public/regular/b 233b0cac595646233a3f7947e622537.jpg

Three days ago, I posted my cell phone number on my blog and asked people to anonymously call it and leave a voice message to the question:

What is loneliness?

Predominantly using digital stills manipulated in post, some video footage, and lo-fi audio recordings of messages from my cell phone, this was an attempt to make a coherent psychological discourse of strangers emotional dispositions, which resulted in a huge emotional investment.

This was an extremely difficult question to answer, and I am so grateful to all who participated. Here are the messages transcribed: karenabad.tumblr.com/post/36237755/lonel iness-is"

My favorite voice-mail said:

"I think loneliness is remembering too hard about what you once had and knowing you don’t have it anymore. Going to bed alone for the first time in years and waking up alone over, and over, and over again. I think loneliness is finally forgetting that shared laugh, that expected hug, and that secret touch. Someone said, “Loneliness isn’t being alone, it’s when someone loves you and don’t have it in you to love them back.” I agree with that because loneliness is addictive and uncomfortably comfortable. It’s sadness without empathy, it’s despair without immediate loss, and it’s panic without hysteria."

I recommend watching the video when you're in a really shitty lonely funk. If you're stuffed up with phlegm like I am, most of the effect might be lost. Still you'll appreciate the idea.

2008-10-20T15:02:00.002+08:00

I'm home, sick with some sort of viral infection. My throat feels like someone sandpapered down it; my stomach is churning; and... a new development! ...a migraine. Damn i hate migraines.

It's rather a good thing that my bosses are out of the office for some planning activity. I'm not sure if I'll be able to go to work tomorrow as I'm pretty much miserable right now. It's 3:34 pm.

I wish J could visit me here at home. But she's got her own errands to run. Besides the obvious obstacle, that is. Jesus Christ I feel rotten. Migraines suck!!!!!

2008-10-19T03:16:00.003+08:00

Virus problem solved, I hope! I followed this advice. I've restarted, but because I had to leave, I wasn't able to check if the virus really is gone. It was an infestation of the pesky Win32.Virut5 virus, as well as a mishmash of trojans. I hope they're really gone! But either way, I'm replacing my problematic hard disk. I want to put Ubuntu on the desktop once the new HDD is in place. But if I do that, I won't be able to run Moto Mobile Phone Tools or Palm Sync anymore, and those are two of my most used applications. I can probably run them on Wine though... let me research that.

*after browsing the net*

Apparently, it's not possible to run Palm Desktop and Motorola Phone Tools on Wine. Or rather, it's not possible for someone with my technical knowledge. hehe. A bigger techie could probably do it, but I'm not yet at that level. So my plan is to create a live USB with windows-lite and just do it here on my lovely epc. I could probably not use that desktop anymore.

*more browsing*

Damn. Seems the best option is to install Win on the desktop, and install Ubuntu afterwards, for the possibility of a dual boot. I can probably do that.

I had hoped to find instructions on how to create a live USB containing Win. I'll keep searching!!!

2008-10-17T23:13:00.001+08:00

Goddammit! My pc at home has some virus that closes my internet browser when I search the keywords "firewall" and "avast" and probably any anti-malware related keywords.

I'm worried coz J hasn't texted after we parted this evening. It might be nothing. But her phone is "either unattended or out of coverage area" what does that mean? Damn I'm worried.

2008-10-17T08:35:00.002+08:00

It's Friday! Deadline day! All my previous days of lazing away on my rickety swivel chair, in front of my all-black pa-cool effect desktop PC, are just faint memories.

Tomorrow I might go to my high school fair, if I can convince J that it might be fun :)

I'm looking at migration to other countries right now.

2008-10-15T14:40:00.001+08:00